I'm more excited to write this morning than usual because I just received my first one-star review for South of Normal.  Yes, I do mean I'm excited in a good way, and no, "one-star," is not a typo.  Let me explain why, and offer how one-star reviews are actually nothing to stress about as an author.

I checked into my Amazon.com page this morning and saw a new review had been posted.  That’s usually a good thing, but this reader gave the book one star.    

The review was titled "horrible on EVERY level," and went on to describe me as "meaningless, a loser, whining, miserable, no wonder your life sucks, addicted to stupidity," and went on to characterize me as a "meatball" and say “if typing ‘Dear Diary, today I washed my underwear’ is what makes one a writer....you are qualified."  

I typed in “Thank you for your review,” and left it at that.  

Why could I so easily absorb that punch in the stomach?  I wrote about this same topic earlier in an article posted on the Authority Publishing blog so I apologize for any redundancy, but I thought this was important enough to reexplore.  I think this new conversation can help a lot of new authors who are still growing their thick skin.  

A bad review just means you successfully identified someone who is NOT in your target market.  It doesn’t mean your book is bad (just like a five-star review doesn’t mean it’s good,) just that someone REALLY disliked it. Some people love Shakespeare, some love I Hope they Serve Beer in Hell.  Some people love the movie The Notebook, some the Hangover. 

No one is going to love everything – that’s impossible (and would make the world damn boring.)  That’s not your goal.  If you try to please everyone you will be miserable.  So your job as an author (other than writing the best, most honest book you can) is to find your specific target market and share your work with them as much as possible.  

A lot of this advice applies to all artists, not just writers, but singers, actors, inventors, or anyone who is trying to do something different and creative in this world.  Hopefully these thoughts put things in perspective so you won't be stunned by a bad review, just motivated to shine on!  

10 reasons why authors should love one-star reviews:

1. They are right.
I know what you might be thinking: “Say what?  No way!  My work is better than that, they don’t know what they’re talking about, I’m right and they are wrong!”

A review is 100% THEIR forum to express whatever opinion they wish, it belongs wholly to the reader.  You, the author, had 250 pages to express your view of the world, so now they get to cram their whole existence into 200 words, reflected off your work, so they are never wrong.  Their opinion might be short-sighted, emotional, incomplete, or a little unfair, but that’s cool.  It’s their time to talk, so I just need to shut the hell up and respect that. 

2. They may be too close.
When you are a new nonfiction writer and your book hasn’t spread to that 2nd and 3rd level of awareness among people you don’t know, some of your initial reviews will be from people in the book (and don’t like their portrayal,) someone who has a bee in their bonnet about the subject matter, someone who thinks they can do it better/are smarter, someone who is off their meds, someone who hasn’t read the whole book (as clearly, this reviewer didn’t get past the second chapter) or a competing writer trying to slam your book to promote their own.  They are way too close to the whole thing for you to consider their words impartial.   

3. There are a lot of angry people out there.  
Sadly, the internet has become a cesspool of angry and desperate people expressing their darkest thoughts, hiding behind the mask of anonymity.  When someone feels sad, alone, angry, or fearful, they lash out any way they can, and that is often with homophobic, racist, or hateful comments on the internet.  They still probably didn’t like your book, but the hurtful, attacking review probably had more to do with their life than it did your book.  Let's just give them a hug, not take it personal. 

4. At least you’re not boring.
Give me one-star reviews all day long, but just PLEASE don’t give me a two or three-star review – that’s just blahhhhhh.  I said as much in the introduction to South of Normal, that my goal with the book was to make people think a little bit and feel something.  A one-star review just shows that the book stirred their passion and challenged their belief system, but at least it wasn’t viewed as boring – the ultimate sin. 

5. Crazy loses credibility.
The more crazed and aggressive the reviewer sounds, the more they lose credibility with anyone who may be reading it. Their own words will expose them for who they are, not who YOU are.  When responding to a bad review, ALWAYS be nice, polite, and respectful.  NEVER debate them.  Agree with them, thank them, and have fun with it.  

6. Understand statistical outliers.
Whenever you open up something to mass opinion, their will be outliers, people who go way off the deep end, in either direction. For instance, South of Normal now has 28 5-star reviews (to be fair, a lot from friends, but a significant portion from people who I don’t know at all) and a single 1-star review.  That will speak for itself.  I’m not saying this to defend the book or claim it’s something special, but to show that their will be outliers no matter what statistic or ranking you’re looking at, and the truth probably lies somewhere in the middle.

7. It’s not going to affect sales either way.
You won’t lose significant sales with a one-star review, nor will people throw money at you because you have a few good reviews.  Selling books is about finding your target market, those who want or need your content, and then consistently (but tastefully) introducing the subject matter to them so you may share an experience, and build loyalty.  So one little blip on the radar isn’t going to sabatoge that process.  In fact, you might even attract a few new readers based on the bad review.  My friend Chris said it best when I shared this review on Facebook: “I’d buy the book just based on their bad one-star review!”  

8. Everyone gets bad reviews.
This is amazing, but even the great authors classic authors received one-star and negative reviews.  I did a quick search on Amazon and Romeo and Juliet has 22 1-star reviews out of 267 total, or an astounding 8.2%!  The Catcher in the Rye (one of my all time favorites,) 344 out of 3,341, or about 10%!  How about the mega-selling 50 Shades of Gray?  It has over 27% one-star reviews!  

9. You’re nobody until somebody hates you.
A long time ago I gave some advice to my dear friend ML, who puts herself “out there” tirelessly to help others become happier and healthier.  One time it backfired and she received some hurtful comments from someone, and came to me, upset.  I gave her the advice “Congrats.  You know you’re breaking through and doing your job well when you start getting haters.” 

10. Who cares?  
I mean, really…does it matter?  Of course it hurts, it stings, it sucks, but will it change anything?  No.  They can not ruin the experience for you – only YOU can ruin the experience for you, so don’t allow that to happen.  When you zoom out to a year from now, or even a month from now, you probably won’t even remember the incident, or just laugh at it, so who gives a shit? Focus on the good things you are doing and the wonderful people who have given you good, honest (though no always perfect) feedback. 

Negativity goes BOOM! but  quickly fades, while positivity echoes forever.

***

Thanks for your time, your reviews, and have an amazing day!

Norm  :-)

How much money do you spend each day?  Let’s guestimate and add it up:

-Your rent or mortgage might be $1,000 per month, or $33 per day
-Utilities $10 per day
-Food $20 per day
-Car, car insurance, maintenance, gas $25
-TV, Internet $10
-Gym membership, movies, soccer for the kids, etc.  $10

-Starbucks $3.00

That’s roughly $110 a day – or $3,300 every 30 days.

Some of you spend more, some less, but let’s narrow in on just one of those numbers, the smallest one:

Starbucks $3.00

Three bucks probably feels like nothing to you – an afterthought, a throw away for a well-deserved cup of coffee.  But for a lot of people in the world, their whole daily budget is under $3.00.

How many people?  This will blow your mind.

3 billion people – almost half the world’s population – live on less than $2.50 a day. 

They have to provide shelter, food, clothing, medical care, transportation, education, etc. for themselves and their whole families for $2.50 a day per person.

Half the world’s population is certainly the rule, not the exception, but maybe this poverty is just confined to a few impoverished, very populous countries in sub-Saharan Africa and Southeast Asia?

At least 80% of humanity lives on less than $10 a day.

Your first instinct may be to rationalize that number by saying “Yeah, but things are so much cheaper in other countries.”  I hear that a lot.  Things are cheaper in other countries because people have no money, and they can't buy even a fraction of the things we have.  They're eating $1 worth of food a day because that is all they have to spend, not that $1 buys the same meal that we eat.  The luxuries we enjoy every day are only dreams to these people, the basics we take for granted – like clean water – are luxuries to most of the world.

Who suffers?

Children.  It’s a sad reality, but children suffer the brunt of poverty, no matter what country, followed by women. 

-There are 2.2 billion children in the world, and at least 1 billion of them live in poverty.
-22,000 children a day die because of poverty, according to UNICEF.
-1 in 3 children don’t have adequate shelter.
-1 in 5 don’t have access to clean water.
-1 in 7 have no access to health services.

These kids aren’t in your daily consciousness so it’s easy to push them into the back of your mind.  You don’t know them, you can’t picture their faces, or hear their laughter, but they are no different than your children.  They are not lazy, they haven’t made bad choices, they did nothing to deserve the poverty they were born into, but that will be their fate to endure their entire lives.

The daily reality for many of these children is living in dangerous, filthy conditions, working on the streets from the moment they can walk, scrounging for food, or worse - being forced into sex slavery. 

Their growth is stunted by malnutrition, disease, and iodine deficiency.  Many die of diarrhea and other preventable maladies.  More than 20% never go to school, and the majority never make it past a primary school education.  

But hasn’t it always been like this?

No.  There have always been rich and poor, but the scary thing is that the prevalence and degree of poverty are getting much worse.  This isn’t a natural state, like Nelson Mandela said:

“Poverty is not an accident.  Like slavery and apartheid, it is man-made and can be removed by the actions of human beings.”

In fact, 80% of the world’s population live in countries where income differentials are widening.  To give you just a few examples: 

-In 1960, 20% of the world’s richest countries had 30 times the income of the poorest 20%, versus:
-In 1997, the richest countries had 74 times the income of the poorest. 
-The wealthiest 20% of the world (us) accounted for 75.6% of its total consumption.
-12% of the people in the world use 80% of its water.

The poverty gap is widening in the world.  With all of our wealth, education, information sharing with our omnipotent media and the Internet, and the benefit of history to teach us lessons, we are not only failing, but getting worse. 

What’s the solution?

The frustrating thing is that solutions are within reach.  The resources are there.  Simple initiatives like immunizations, clean drinking water, training healthcare workers, and education for women go a long way to alleviate these issues.  Certainly, throwing money at a problem is never a panacea, and there are issues of corruption, inefficiencies of distribution, government red tape, and cultural and social norms to combat, but the world could be a much better place for so many of those in desperate poverty, especially children and women, for surprisingly little money.  

How much would it cost per year, or per day, to help alleviate some of the effects of poverty?

-Basic education would cost us $6 billion dollars, or less than $1 a day for each of us.
-Water and sanitation $9 billion, or $1.50 a day.
-Reproductive health for all women in the world would only cost $12 billion, $2 a day.
-Basic health and nutrition, 13 billion, $2 a day.

That’s a sum total of 40 billion, or $5.71 spent per day for every person in the world.  

Where could we find this money?

Could we each find a way to fund these initiatives for $5 a day?  Yes, very easily. 

Here is what we spend on other luxuries 

-We spend $8 billion dollars a year on cosmetics in the US.
-We spend $12 billion dollars a year on perfume in Europe and the US.
-$780 billion dollars is allocated each year in world military spending.
-Less than one 1% of what the world spends every year on weapons is needed to put every child into school.

The good news is that once these initiatives are prioritized in our global culture, many of these costs will be recouped in aid dollars spent, debt forgiveness, and future medical and humanitarian spending.

So what should we do?

I guess the first thing to do is to be conscious of all this.  Next time you buy a cup of coffee, or spend $3, think about what that means to someone else in the world, your brothers and sisters, children that very easily could have been yours under other circumstances.  Only by changing our culture can we refocus our priorities, and that will spark amazing change. 

If you want to contribute to a cause that directly helps an impoverished person in the world, maybe a child, then email me.  Certainly, I’m no expert, but I can suggest a few great organizations.

But first, be conscious, and care.  

-Norm  :-)

I got the news from my sister: Jason Sheftell had been found dead in his New York apartment. She didn’t have any more details. What?  How could that be? I pulled my car over to the shoulder, on a country road in the middle of deep woods, on vacation in rural Maine. I didn’t understand. I went over her words again. He was dead? What did that mean? No one could talk to him again? He was gone? I realized I wasn’t thinking right. 

I collected myself and started the car, noticing that I was still half-jutting into the road, fortunate another motorist hadn’t tail ended me.

Jason Sheftell. I wondered what happened. He was so damn young – and now his life was over? I’m almost his age – just 5 years younger. He could have been my big brother. Hell, in some ways it felt like he was. We had just talked to each other…when had it been?

It’s not that we were very close, great friends who saw each other frequently. In fact, I hadn’t seen him for more than a decade, since I worked with him as an intern at Yankelovich Partners, no, after that, at my sister’s wedding when he tore up the bar and charmed all the bridesmaids. But Sheff was always someone I liked and respected, a smart guy with a realist’s zest for life but the warped sense of humor to enjoy it all. Glasses and a smile under shocks of genius hair. I remembered he yelled at me once because the Chinese food I brought into the office for lunch stunk to high heaven, so he made me take it into another room. Hahaha Sheff! I was young and broke, so he gave me extra work organizing his apartment. I marveled at all of his books, running my hands over their spines, removing some and fanning through the pages. How could one person read all of these words?      

It wasn’t until last year, a decade later, that we became reacquainted. I had just penned my first book and was told to seek out quotes or reviews from influential people. He, successful writer, former magazine penman at Playboy, Cosmo, Esquire, and Maxim, among others, and now, real estate columnist for the New York Daily News, was so high up on a literary pedestal to me that I had trouble gathering the stones to approach him. But he was one of the only professional writers I knew – or the only one who wouldn’t “big time” me. 

We got in touch through Facebook and caught up. He’d had a tough couple years because of some family stuff, but “Things were pretty darn good now. Life is good,” he said. He asked what was new with me, and I shared that I was living in Costa Rica, writing, having sold all of my possessions and left the U.S. to chase that dream. His interest in my humble project was genuine, and more appreciated than he’ll ever know:

“Norm – What’s your book about? I hope it's fiction. First one? Very exciting. Agents, book industry, all really fun. Bottom line I feel is that good writing will always have a place in this word. McCluhan was right. Not the medium--the message. Not the time you write, what you write about. What did faulkner say in his nobel acceptance speech? Affairs of the heart. Missiles whizzing all around him bc of the cold war, and he's writing about the death of an old southern gothic family. I love absalom absalom. I love you're in Costa Rica finishing your book. Right now, what you’re looking at and hearing, must be pretty extraordinary. Make it count, every single word.”

His words of encouragement were golden, jumping off the page, but some parts I didn’t know what the hell he was talking about, though sensed I should. Who was this McCluhan person? Missles were flying? At who? I mean…at whom? And absalom absalom? Was that a real thing, or a typo? I went out and found a used copy before someone could accuse me of not being a real writer, like Jason. He was right – it was incredible.

When my own book was done I’d returned to the states to promote it (or attempt to). He offered to read it and even write a blurb (which was pure charity, believe me). 

Upon reading the first couple of chapters he sent me an email late one night, a scrap of affirmation to a hungry neophyte that tasted better than any 5-course meal I’ve ever had. He said, simply:

“It’s good. It’s funny. It’s human.”

I’ll take it. 

He read the rest, liked it, and wrote a way-too-generous blurb. But I never ended up using it – it got prickly when it came time to put his words on the book cover because he couldn’t be quoted in an official capacity as a Daily News reviewer, just a friend who happened to work there. So I shelved his blurb and with that bit of awkwardness behind us, we settled in to a pleasant correspondence as two writers, and friends.

He shared thoughts on his job as a real estate journalist, which he loved:

“Being a columnist is cool. Very adult. They allow me to be an artist by going and finding neighborhoods to write about. It's like travel writing...you take a subway somewhere you have never been or seen before, and you let your feet and eyes do the work. It's not a job, it's pure bliss.”

Pure bliss. 

I shared with him my version of pure bliss: dropping out of society, absconding from my material possessions, and instead traveling the world, exploring this grand play called “life” and and telling people's stories along the way.

He said:

“Ok, i knew i liked you when i met you, i knew we were kindred, but this calls for congratulations to you--dropping out, your own path, not easy. huge pat on the back. I'm here for u whenever you want. when you met me, i was heading there, and i went full force and sticking with it made me who i am inside and out. i still hurt bc of it. not married, dating amazing people, writing is my religion, literature is my philosophy.”

Wow. So that’s how you do it - you become it. I couldn’t learn that in any book.

We exchanged notes on words and bliss like that, on and off, for the next year.  He told me about his time in France, reading Blazac, Camus, Henry Miller, flirting with absinthe and beauty. He revealed his secret to writing well - which was to have no secret at all, just douse yourself in life and set it alight and dance until you’ve gone mad and then commit it all to the page:

“I've never taking a writing class in my life. It’s just storytelling and craft. I've just read fiction all my life no matter where I've been.”

His advice helped, for until then I was a boat with tattered sails, no compass or direction. But more than all that, he was just a nice guy. Cool. Nothing to gain from little ol’ me, yet he took the time to be a big brother in writing. He said we definitely needed to get a beer when I was in New York next. I agreed. 

“It's a pleasure to be back in touch with you, an honor to know you then and now. Call on me and when you like. Let's enjoy these times and communications.”

I did enjoy them, treasured them, even. I told him he was appreciated and how much his guidance meant to me. For that, I have no regrets.

Then we didn’t talk much for almost a year, but it was one of those things where it’s enough just knowing the other one is there. I’d moved to Nicaragua, sequestered in a local barrio, by the sea, with my laptop and a stray dog. Over those months I worked my butt off to improve, to learn our craft. I wanted to make him proud. 

My second book came out this April and I sent him a copy, this time just as a friend. He emailed back a few weeks later:  

“Thx Sir. U keep writing. U v good.”

And that’s the last I heard from him.

I pulled the car back onto the road, tires spitting sand. The smell of pines sweetened the air, sunlight fighting to filter through, still thawing the spring even in June, warming the great north in a hot blooming rush toward blueberry season, and then, inevitably, fading into another long, gray winter. 

I glanced in the rear view mirror, half expecting to see his smile, his glasses, that genius hair, but I was all alone. 

Rest in peace, Jason, and thanks again. You’re all heart, bro. You made your life count, every single word of it. 

-Norm

***  

It’s debated in barber shops and back-yard barbecues, from the grimy alleys of New York to the sunny strips of Los Angeles – who is the top 10 of all time?  No, I’m not talking about rappers, I’m talking about baseball players.  Or, am I?  

Baseball is fun to debate because there are a million stats to back up your favorite player, but still no clear winner.  Is Babe Ruth the best of all time?  I’m sure Mays, Aaron, and Ty Cobb would have something to say about that.  

When ranking rappers, however, we have far fewer statistics to hang our hat on.  Records sold?  Who cares – by that parameter Justin Timberlake would be superior to any of the old school’ers, so we’re not going there.  Biggie?  Tupac?  Or what about Nas and Rakim?  Is Eminem creeping up?  The debate continues as vociferously as east vs. west, red vs. blue, and Red Sox vs. Yankees.  

It got me to thinking – if rappers were baseball players, who would they be, and where would they rank as BOTH of those personas on an all-time top 10 list?  So I did my best to match up their skills, personalities, and importance to the game, and came up with a top-ten list of rappers as baseball players.  There are two things I’ll guarantee you about this list: that I’m wrong about some of them, and I doubt you can do better!  Or can you?  Let the debate continue.

So how did I match them up and then rank them?  

I’ll tell you up front, that I have an old-school hip hop bias, and a bit of an east coast bias just because that’s where I grew up (thought I love and respect the west side, and have lived there most of my adult life.)   And I hate the Yankees.

I gave less credence to MC’s in hip hop groups, because a baseball player’s importance to his own team diminishes when his team is filled with other all stars.  Due to that criteria, Run DMC, Tribe Called Quest, and N.W.A. probably don’t rank as high as they should. 

Here were my rules for baseball players: 1) No pitchers (those would be the DJ’s, I guess), and 2) No active players. 

Just like baseball players have home runs, RBI’s, batting average, etc. I have my categories to try and quantify something that is almost un-quantifiable.  

So I judged the rappers on:  1) Straight fire, 2) Commercial success in their era 3) Importance to the game 4) Versatility, and 5) Longevity.

Here it is!

If rappers were baseball players, who would be the top 10 of all time?! 

1. Biggie = Babe Ruth.  

The Notorious BIG hit it out of the park EVERY SINGLE TIME he got up to bat.  His career was shortened by his assassination, just like the Babe’s career as a hitter was shortened because he started out as a pitcher.  The Bambino loved to party, and certainly Biggie liked his wine, women, and weed.  Besides, can’t you picture Biggie standing there with a bat in one hand and a hot dog in the other? 

2. Eminem = Hank Aaron.  

Both men did what others said could’t be done against incredible odds, and suffered a racial backlash.  Both players will go down in the record books without asterisks next to their names - I still consider Hank Aaron the single-season home run record holder, and Marshall Mathers is earning his hall-of-fame status on merit, nothing else. 

3. 2Pac = Ty Cobb.  

Embattled by opponents, despised by other teams, and riddled in controversy, yet equally beloved by their teammates, both Tupac and Ty Cobb dominated with fear and results, and elevated the game.  When it comes to both players, old timers say “there will never be another one like him.”  Think of Tupac sliding into second base, cleats up.   

4. KRS One (Boogie Down Productions) = Willie Mays.

Bigger than his astronomical home run and Gold Glove statistics, Willie Mays meant more to the game than numbers can show and just wanted to win – by all means necessary.  KRS One, too, was a godfather of modern hip hop, our own version of the Sey Hey Kid who’s value will echo long after he’s gone.  R.I.P. Scott LaRock.

5. Chuck D (Public Enemy) = Ted Williams.

One of the best pure hitters of all time, Williams hit over .400 an astounding three times.  So, too, when you listened to Chuck D’s verbal assault on wax you had no doubt that he was one of the purest hip hop voices of all time, who’s place in the pantheon of Hall-of-Famer’s is undeniable.

6. Nas = Lou Gehrig.

Gehrig’s contribution to the game of baseball went far beyond wins and titles.  It was his commitment to the team and longevity that stood out, as he held the record for playing 2,130 straight games for decades, until Cal Ripken Jr. broke the streak.  Nas has been doing it, and doing it, and doing it for decades now,  still as authentic and musically sharp as his rookie year.

 7. Rakim (Eric B and Rakim) = Stan Musial.

Rakim is probably the best pure lyricist of all time, and his album, Paid in Full, was voted the best hip hop album of all time.  Rakim touts the significance of the 7th Letter, G, (for God), but for his baseball counterpart we look to # 6 on the St. Louis Cardinals, Stan “The Man” Musial.  A graceful lefty with a record 24 all-star appearances, Musial took a few years off to serve in the Navy before returning to baseball and won the Presidential Medal of Freedom.  Likewise, Rakim stepped back from his partnership with Eric B in 1994 before reinventing himself as a solo artist, and one of his most famous songs is “Eric B for President.”

8. Jay Z = Barry Bonds.

For a good part of his career, Barry Bonds conquered baseball, head and shoulders above his peers.  Everything Jay Z touches seems to turn to gold (and money), but with both figures, we can’t help but wonder how much they are a product of their era, Bonds aided by steroids while Hovah is both an innovator and beneficiary of the modern-day hip hop pop marketing machine. 

9. Lil Wayne = Mickey Mantle.

Mickey Mantle was the poster boy for production, and ethos of the Yankees as they won title after title.  Both “The Mick” and Lil Wayne were hometown favorites who’s incredible on-field achievements were accompanied by a shadowy side.  Equally fearless, scrappy, and always embodying the underdog, Mantle’s alcohol abuse and marital infidelity were well-documented, as is Wayne’s hard living, though neither man’s talent is ever in doubt.

10. Black Thought (The Roots) = Joe Dimmagio.  

Throughout his career, Joltin’ Joe was the personification of class, quietly making a lot of noise with his bat like Black Thought does with his mic.  Dimmagio was best known for his 56 game hit streak, just like the Roots never seem to let us down, staying true to the game in a time when cold profit is valued more than street cred.  Sometimes taking a back seat to others for the good of the team, Dimmagio had Mantle as a teammate and Black Thought has QuestLove, the iconic drummer.

Honorable Mention:
Forget the rules, let's just have fun with these.

Slick Rick = Honus Wagner.  
I just picture Patch Love on one of those old baseball cards. 


Big Daddy Kane = Lou Brock.  
His lyrics were as fast and flawless as the all-time stolen base leader.  

Dr. Dre = Shoeless Joe Jackson.
At one time the best player on the best team in the game, but swirled in controversy.

50 Cent = Pete Rose.  
Both guys were all about hustle and gritty determination, and outcasts at one point. 

Drake = Albert Pujols.  
Hit after hit, steady as a rock, and never takes a day off.

Snoop = Ken Griffey Jr.  
Snoop is a natural outfielder because he’s all about taking big hits and loves the feel of the grass.  (Props for that, Raechel "Moonlight" Graham!)

LL Cool J = Roberto Clemente.  
Silky smooth and soulful, both were good guys who’s positive impact spread further than their vocation.

Run DMC = Jackie Robinson.  Straight pioneers and role models.

Common = Derek Jeter.  
Winner, ultimate teammate, does the right things for the right reason.

Kanye West = Miguel Cabrera.  
Triple Crown Winner and one of the best in the game right now, but will they be know for once they’re gone?

Puff Daddy: Connie Mack.
If Notorious BIG was the Babe then I guess that would make Puff Daddy the player/manager Connie Mack.  

Big Pun = Pudge Rodriguez.

Heavy D = “Big Poppi” David Ortiz.

Gerardo, "Rico Suave" = Alex Rodriguez.  
Hahahaha  (Good call, Tom Carroll!)

Afrika Bambatta = Satchell Paige.  
The game wouldn’t be here without either of them.

***

So how did I do?  Where would you rank the top 10 rappers as baseball players?  Hit me up and let me know!

hi@NormSchriever.com

How many times a year does the average American have sex?  Take a wild guess.  Yesterday, I saw the cover of a fitness magazine that stated Americans, on average, have sex 118 times per year. 

Wow, that’s a lot of boom-boom.  That number seems ridiculously high to me, and certainly my lack-of-output plummets the national average, so last night I conducted a very scientific poll (on Facebook) asking the same question.  The majority of people said they were under the norm.  Errr…let me rephrase that, since my name is Norm, and “under the norm” may take on a different connotation considering our subject matter.  The majority reported they had sex less than 118 times a year, with only a few outliers saying that number sounded low, and even one girl who claimed she has sex 3 times a day, EVERY day, and who immediately received a slew of new friend requests.  

First off, to treat this subject with empirical impartiality, let’s define what a “time” is.  Certainly a “time,” or “sexual episode,” is viewed differently between men and women.  Studies show that for men, sex has occurred the exact micro-second they orgasm.  But for women, it’s when they receive a compliment about looking thin.  And how do we define “sex,” itself?  There are almost as many definitions of sex as there are people, but for this study, they considered sex to be any sexual encounter, with at least two people (sorry you masters of bating), including intercourse, manual, or oral copulation.  

I think a better definition would be: “any activity that involves removing your clothing, including your socks, that leads you to miss more than two commercials on TV.”

According to these definitions, Americans are having sex approximately once every 3 days.  That still seems like a lot.  Don’t forget, we have to factor in people who are not married, or not actively dating, or are “taking time to work on themselves,” or own more than 3 cats, or wear toupees, have a headache, are sick with the flu, have to wake up early the next morning, still live with their mom, or just have zero game, and you can see that we’re looking at far lower numbers.  Then there is the ultra-religious crowd, who believe that sex should be reserved for procreation, and the abstinence people.  WaitingTilMarraige.com reports that 3% of the US population, almost 10 million people, wait until marriage to have sex, so that skews our screw numbers.  By the way, if you want more information on that organization you can look them up on Facebook, where they have 7 followers.  

I understand if you have sex a whole butt-load of times if you are in a fun relationship or newly married, play NBA basketball or are named Taylor Swift, but this study shows that the rest of us have sex once every 3 days our whole adult lives!

The logistics are astounding.  118 times per year – that’s a LOT of beer and tequila shots, breath mints and over-priced flowers!  And where is all of this sex taking place, anyway?  It's reported there are 132 million housing units in the US, so is that where all of this bump and grind is going down?  Apparently people aren’t just getting amorous in their housing units, but in motel units, and back-seat-of-car units, and on-their-desk-at-work units.  Classy.  

Dubious of this number, I undertook my own research with the help of Google.  Side note – there are some interesting items that come up whenever you use “sex” in any keyword search, and my computer will have to be thoroughly purged this morning.  Surprisingly, there was little clinical research, reinforcing the premise that as a nation we’re fairly closed-minded about sex, at least talking about it when the bedroom doors are open.  But I combed through the handful of existing academic studies, which cited brilliant conclusions like:

“Having sex is linked to positive outcomes.”

Yah think?!  I’d say so!  So I formulated my own list:

 Top 5 Positive Outcomes of Having Sex:

1. You got to have sex

2. You got to have sex

3. You got to have sex 

4. You got to have sex

5. Post-coital snack

Thankfully, I found more legitimate studies about our other national pastime by the Kinsey Institute, an Indiana University research center who has been the “trusted source for investigating and informing the world about critical issues in sex, gender and reproduction,” for over 60 years.

I can only imagine visiting the Kinsey Institute, where they have hot women scientists in white lab coats with nerdy glasses who take me into a testing room and attach microdes to my head, and then she pulls off her glasses and shakes out her hair and pushes me back onto a lab table and rips off her lab coat and…oh, you’re still here?  Sorry, I got carried away.

Here are some statistics about Americans and sex:   

• The average couple spends 20 minutes on foreplay.
• The average sex session lasts for 3-18 minutes.
• 75% of men orgasm every time they have sex.
• 29% of women orgasm every time they have sex. 
• The average age of first sexual encounters is 16.9 for males and 17.4 for women.
• People have sex most infrequently on Tuesdays (because the Voice is on).
• Thursdays are the most popular days to have sex (because The Big Bang Theory is on).
• Only 48% of people are fully satisfied with their sex life.
• 60% of the population engage in oral sex frequently.
• The movie "The Notebook" is reported as the most romantically stimulating film for women, who prefer men to make "their move" during the rain scene.  Men cite "any damn thing" as being most effective to get them in the mood. 
  
• 90% of men and 86% of women have had sex in the past year.
• 27% of men and 19% of women have had oral sex in the past year.
• 10% of men and 9% of women have had anal sex in the past year.
• 20% of Americans have had sex with a coworker.

Here's the in-and-out of the Kinsey Institute's report on frequency of bumping uglies:  18-29 year olds have sex an average of 112 times per year, 30-39 year olds an average of 86 times per year, and 40-49 year olds an average of 69 times per year, bringing the national average to around 85 times per year.  

How does that measure up against the rest of the world?  In contrast, the Greeks have sex an average of 164 times a year, and the Brazilians, 145 times per year.  Sadly, like math and science test scores, America has fallen behind, again.    
  

I’m all for America being competitive with the rest of the world, so what do you say we roll up our sleeves, take off our pants, and show them what good-old-fashioned U.S. ingenuity and hard work is all about.  If you love America, please do your part to have sex more frequently so we can bring that number up.  Copulate for patriotism, like bald eagles, baseball, and fireworks on the 4th of July depended on it, or else the terrorists win - who, by the way, have sex 119 times per year. 

***

A well-read buddy of mine from Sacramento, Tank, saw something I wrote and asked for more, but didn’t realize I had a blog I filled up with semi-entertaining writing at least twice a week.  As "proof of write" I promised I’d send him links to the most popular blog posts this year, so here they are, in no particular order and excluding anything from the books.  Without further adieu (what the hell does that even mean?) I present:




My Top 10 viewed blog posts of the year:

1. Hate mail can be fun!

2. On writing, my beautiful failure.

3. Don’t believe the hype; a counterpoint to the “secret meeting that changed rap” story.

4. 10,000 Hours - the phenomenon that has Malcom Gladwell writing and Macklemore rapping.

5. ‘Three Cups of Tea’ and the nature of philanthropy,

…and then: 

Where and how should I give?  The answer is “yes.”

6. The Today Show talks “itch” about DJ Jazzy Jeff.

…and then: 

10 Pm in Full Effect – when a blog goes viral.

7. The dude who invented daylight savings, and 30 others hroughout history who were probably stoned.

8. Why I write.

9. The smell of hospitals in winter.

10. Thank you to the flowers.


***


Do you have a favorite?  Do they all suck?  Is there something in particular you'd like to read about?  


Drop me an email any time.

I'm proud to announce my next writing project, a book of life advice and streetwise wisdom for young men, and a tool for the single mothers who are raising them. It will serve as a helpful resource for the 12 million single mothers in the U.S., so they can raise happy, healthy, and successful young gentlemen. This book should be read by both teenaged sons and their single mothers, and used as a tool to promote family discussion, enhanced relationships, and fatherly advice.  

I was raised by a single mother and she did a great job (I always say that she's the reason I'm not dead or in jail!), but still, I had to make a lot of mistakes and become a man on my own.  There are just some things that boys need from male role models who give them tough love, and this book will help.  The focus is on helping single mothers with teenaged sons, but the information will help teenage daughters, kids all the way from middle school to college (there will be different sections that are age-appropriate) and even mothers who are not single.   

Since this is a book FOR you, I'd love your feedback about the issues, challenges, and problems you have as a single mother raising sons, and also your hopes and goals for their lives.  

To participate, please email me so I can ask you a few questions,

join the Facebook group.

Or leave a comment below.  

Thank you for spreading the word about this important project!   

Norm :-)

Please don’t buy my book.  I’m serious.  In fact, please don’t purchase either of the books I’ve written, or tell your friends to purchase them.  But I’m not telling you NOT to spend your money, just don’t spend it on me.  Instead, I have a humble recommendation for what you can do with that same $20, the amount you spend on Starbucks every week, which can completely change someone’s life for the better.

Rather than buy my book, I’m encouraging you to do something different with that $20 – fund a microloan to an impoverished person.  I know, I know, you gave at the office, you donate to charity at your church, or you’re overwhelmed with infomercials soliciting donations for people in far away places but this is NOT a donation.  

Listen closely, because what I’m about to share is considered one of the most effective ways to bring people out of desperate poverty all over the world, giving them and their children a fighting chance for a decent life.  

A microloan is exactly that, a small loan, not a donation, that you grant to an individual.  The money is used to fund commercial ventures with the potential of propelling the recipient out of the cycle of poverty they're mired in.  Sometimes they buy a goat, which produces milk that they can sell, or chickens for eggs, or buy seeds and fertilizer to plant a harvest to prosper in the future.  Others use the loan to purchase wholesale goods that can be resold for profit, fund craftsmanship like hand-sewn baskets, or a sewing machine so they can take on work.  The ventures are self-conceived and self-monitored, but the recipient has to pay the money back in increments over a certain term, like 120 days. 

If they don’t pay it back they don’t get another loan, as simple as that.  However, most microloan programs, like Grameen Bank, report that repayment rates are between 95-98%.  Once the lender (you) is repaid, you can chose to work with the same recipient again, fund another person’s loan, or just pocket your original investment.

The problem with poverty in most countries is that there's no tangible lifeline to pull themselves out of it, like education, entrepreneurship, and old-fashioned hard work here in the U.S.  Instead, their desperate crawl upward is further slickened by racial, tribal, and especially gender taboos.  Basically, when women are born into poverty, they will always be poor, and their families will be poor, as will their children, and their children’s children.  The horrific gender-imbalance of poverty is well detailed in the book Half The Sky, which I highly recommend – if you can stomach it. 

But microloans, or microcredit, as it’s sometimes called, can give them a fighting chance to grasp otherwise-impossible financial momentum.  Originally traced to several organizations to help the poor in Bangladesh in the 1980’s, Muhammed Yunus is considered the father of the movement, as documented in his book Banker to the Poor, and won the Nobel Peace Prize in 2006 for his work.  As of 2009, an estimated 74 million men and women held microloans that totaled US$38 billion, all over the world.  

The majority of applicants are female, and it’s been proven that allotting money to women, who are better with savings, investing for the future, paying their debts, and more conscious of the needs of their family, is vastly more effective than giving money to their husbands, who tend to use it on short-term consumer goods or just drink it away.    

The potential loan applicants apply through organizations like Kiva or ProMujer, where you can see their picture, read about their lives, and find out their business plan once they receive the money.  They post a certain target goal for their loan, say $500, and micro-lenders pledge money toward that goal until the amount is reached, when the money is delivered.  The repayments are carefully tracked and posted on the applicant’s profile on the website, so their credibility with repayment is of utmost concern so they won't jeopardize future loans.  

Microloans endeavor to augment what international organizations like the United Nations and billions of dollars in foreign aid attempt – to empower people to work their way out of poverty with permanent changes that end the cycle of poverty.  By making a microloan you are, essentially, not giving them a fish, but teaching them how to fish and supplying them with a rod.  Of course, microloans are by no means a panacea to the world’s poverty, and critics cite high transaction costs and interest rates, problems with disseminating these programs out of urban centers to remote rural areas, and the educational foundation needed to grasp these concepts and apply, as holes in the fabric of microloans.  It’s been found that microloan programs work best alongside educational initiatives, women’s discussion groups, and support networks that hold each other accountable to timely repayments.  This community enforcement model goes a long way to patching those holes.  

Whenever pledging money or donating to charity, it’s best to thoroughly research the organizations, and the rating system at CharityNavigator is a great place to start.  Different microlending organizations focus on different issues or areas of the world, like Vittana, which funds education, not commerce.  Feel free to email me for more information or recommendations.

So please don’t buy my book, or skip your daily Starbucks this this week, and instead pledge that money to funding a microloan.  That $20 can kick start a venture for one of your brothers or sisters in the world, allowing them to feed their families, keep a roof over their heads, access medical care, educate their daughters, and bring their children’s children out of poverty. 

From the bottom of my heart, thank you.  

Norm :-)

PS If you'd like to read a few more of my thoughts about the nature of philanthropy and giving, check out this past article.  

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