How many times a year does the average American have sex? Take a wild guess. Yesterday, I saw the cover of a fitness magazine that stated Americans, on average, have sex 118 times per year.
Wow, that’s a lot of boom-boom. That number seems ridiculously high to me, and certainly my lack-of-output plummets the national average, so last night I conducted a very scientific poll (on Facebook) asking the same question. The majority of people said they were under the norm. Errr…let me rephrase that, since my name is Norm, and “under the norm” may take on a different connotation considering our subject matter. The majority reported they had sex less than 118 times a year, with only a few outliers saying that number sounded low, and even one girl who claimed she has sex 3 times a day, EVERY day, and who immediately received a slew of new friend requests.
First off, to treat this subject with empirical impartiality, let’s define what a “time” is. Certainly a “time,” or “sexual episode,” is viewed differently between men and women. Studies show that for men, sex has occurred the exact micro-second they orgasm. But for women, it’s when they receive a compliment about looking thin. And how do we define “sex,” itself? There are almost as many definitions of sex as there are people, but for this study, they considered sex to be any sexual encounter, with at least two people (sorry you masters of bating), including intercourse, manual, or oral copulation.
Wow, that’s a lot of boom-boom. That number seems ridiculously high to me, and certainly my lack-of-output plummets the national average, so last night I conducted a very scientific poll (on Facebook) asking the same question. The majority of people said they were under the norm. Errr…let me rephrase that, since my name is Norm, and “under the norm” may take on a different connotation considering our subject matter. The majority reported they had sex less than 118 times a year, with only a few outliers saying that number sounded low, and even one girl who claimed she has sex 3 times a day, EVERY day, and who immediately received a slew of new friend requests.
First off, to treat this subject with empirical impartiality, let’s define what a “time” is. Certainly a “time,” or “sexual episode,” is viewed differently between men and women. Studies show that for men, sex has occurred the exact micro-second they orgasm. But for women, it’s when they receive a compliment about looking thin. And how do we define “sex,” itself? There are almost as many definitions of sex as there are people, but for this study, they considered sex to be any sexual encounter, with at least two people (sorry you masters of bating), including intercourse, manual, or oral copulation.
I think a better definition would be: “any activity that involves removing your clothing, including your socks, that leads you to miss more than two commercials on TV.”
According to these definitions, Americans are having sex approximately once every 3 days. That still seems like a lot. Don’t forget, we have to factor in people who are not married, or not actively dating, or are “taking time to work on themselves,” or own more than 3 cats, or wear toupees, have a headache, are sick with the flu, have to wake up early the next morning, still live with their mom, or just have zero game, and you can see that we’re looking at far lower numbers. Then there is the ultra-religious crowd, who believe that sex should be reserved for procreation, and the abstinence people. WaitingTilMarraige.com reports that 3% of the US population, almost 10 million people, wait until marriage to have sex, so that skews our screw numbers. By the way, if you want more information on that organization you can look them up on Facebook, where they have 7 followers.
According to these definitions, Americans are having sex approximately once every 3 days. That still seems like a lot. Don’t forget, we have to factor in people who are not married, or not actively dating, or are “taking time to work on themselves,” or own more than 3 cats, or wear toupees, have a headache, are sick with the flu, have to wake up early the next morning, still live with their mom, or just have zero game, and you can see that we’re looking at far lower numbers. Then there is the ultra-religious crowd, who believe that sex should be reserved for procreation, and the abstinence people. WaitingTilMarraige.com reports that 3% of the US population, almost 10 million people, wait until marriage to have sex, so that skews our screw numbers. By the way, if you want more information on that organization you can look them up on Facebook, where they have 7 followers.
I understand if you have sex a whole butt-load of times if you are in a fun relationship or newly married, play NBA basketball or are named Taylor Swift, but this study shows that the rest of us have sex once every 3 days our whole adult lives!
The logistics are astounding. 118 times per year – that’s a LOT of beer and tequila shots, breath mints and over-priced flowers! And where is all of this sex taking place, anyway? It's reported there are 132 million housing units in the US, so is that where all of this bump and grind is going down? Apparently people aren’t just getting amorous in their housing units, but in motel units, and back-seat-of-car units, and on-their-desk-at-work units. Classy.
Dubious of this number, I undertook my own research with the help of Google. Side note – there are some interesting items that come up whenever you use “sex” in any keyword search, and my computer will have to be thoroughly purged this morning. Surprisingly, there was little clinical research, reinforcing the premise that as a nation we’re fairly closed-minded about sex, at least talking about it when the bedroom doors are open. But I combed through the handful of existing academic studies, which cited brilliant conclusions like:
“Having sex is linked to positive outcomes.”
Yah think?! I’d say so! So I formulated my own list:
Top 5 Positive Outcomes of Having Sex:
1. You got to have sex
2. You got to have sex
3. You got to have sex
4. You got to have sex
5. Post-coital snack
The logistics are astounding. 118 times per year – that’s a LOT of beer and tequila shots, breath mints and over-priced flowers! And where is all of this sex taking place, anyway? It's reported there are 132 million housing units in the US, so is that where all of this bump and grind is going down? Apparently people aren’t just getting amorous in their housing units, but in motel units, and back-seat-of-car units, and on-their-desk-at-work units. Classy.
Dubious of this number, I undertook my own research with the help of Google. Side note – there are some interesting items that come up whenever you use “sex” in any keyword search, and my computer will have to be thoroughly purged this morning. Surprisingly, there was little clinical research, reinforcing the premise that as a nation we’re fairly closed-minded about sex, at least talking about it when the bedroom doors are open. But I combed through the handful of existing academic studies, which cited brilliant conclusions like:
“Having sex is linked to positive outcomes.”
Yah think?! I’d say so! So I formulated my own list:
Top 5 Positive Outcomes of Having Sex:
1. You got to have sex
2. You got to have sex
3. You got to have sex
4. You got to have sex
5. Post-coital snack
Thankfully, I found more legitimate studies about our other national pastime by the Kinsey Institute, an Indiana University research center who has been the “trusted source for investigating and informing the world about critical issues in sex, gender and reproduction,” for over 60 years.
I can only imagine visiting the Kinsey Institute, where they have hot women scientists in white lab coats with nerdy glasses who take me into a testing room and attach microdes to my head, and then she pulls off her glasses and shakes out her hair and pushes me back onto a lab table and rips off her lab coat and…oh, you’re still here? Sorry, I got carried away.
Here are some statistics about Americans and sex:
I can only imagine visiting the Kinsey Institute, where they have hot women scientists in white lab coats with nerdy glasses who take me into a testing room and attach microdes to my head, and then she pulls off her glasses and shakes out her hair and pushes me back onto a lab table and rips off her lab coat and…oh, you’re still here? Sorry, I got carried away.
Here are some statistics about Americans and sex:
- The average couple spends 20 minutes on foreplay.
- The average sex session lasts for 3-18 minutes.
- 75% of men orgasm every time they have sex.
- 29% of women orgasm every time they have sex.
- The average age of first sexual encounters is 16.9 for males and 17.4 for women.
- People have sex most infrequently on Tuesdays (because the Voice is on).
- Thursdays are the most popular days to have sex (because The Big Bang Theory is on).
- Only 48% of people are fully satisfied with their sex life.
- 60% of the population engage in oral sex frequently.
- The movie "The Notebook" is reported as the most romantically stimulating film for women, who prefer men to make "their move" during the rain scene. Men cite "any damn thing" as being most effective to get them in the mood.
- 90% of men and 86% of women have had sex in the past year.
- 27% of men and 19% of women have had oral sex in the past year.
- 10% of men and 9% of women have had anal sex in the past year.
- 20% of Americans have had sex with a coworker.
Here's the in-and-out of the Kinsey Institute's report on frequency of bumping uglies: 18-29 year olds have sex an average of 112 times per year, 30-39 year olds an average of 86 times per year, and 40-49 year olds an average of 69 times per year, bringing the national average to around 85 times per year.
How does that measure up against the rest of the world? In contrast, the Greeks have sex an average of 164 times a year, and the Brazilians, 145 times per year. Sadly, like math and science test scores, America has fallen behind, again.
How does that measure up against the rest of the world? In contrast, the Greeks have sex an average of 164 times a year, and the Brazilians, 145 times per year. Sadly, like math and science test scores, America has fallen behind, again.
I’m all for America being competitive with the rest of the world, so what do you say we roll up our sleeves, take off our pants, and show them what good-old-fashioned U.S. ingenuity and hard work is all about. If you love America, please do your part to have sex more frequently so we can bring that number up. Copulate for patriotism, like bald eagles, baseball, and fireworks on the 4th of July depended on it, or else the terrorists win - who, by the way, have sex 119 times per year.
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 If you'd like to read more of Norm's wise-ass writing, check it out in the new book South of Normal, or email to say hi. |  |
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