In anticipation of this inevitable day, I’ve prepared a few humble (yet incredibly inspiring,) words to share with you:
(Grabbing microphone) First off, I’d like to thank my team, my coaches, and the almighty creator, (Amazon.com) for helping me win this award. I couldn’t have done it without them (well, we both know I could have.) And oh yeah, there was one more person I was supposed to thank…who was it again? Can’t remember, exactly…she’s older than me, same last name, still does my laundry, gave birth to me…oh yeah, my mom! Thanks mom – never forget ya!
Now, I really need your help so I can take this to the next level. As a beloved community of readers, friends, and literary cheerleaders, I’m asking you for a huge favor from the bottom of my heart:
Will you please PLEASE come together and…
Help me find the person who won the gold medal and take them out?
Of course I don’t want it traced back to me (because that would just be low rent) so something subtle would work – like bad brakes on their Prius or poisoning their herbal cleanse. But of course I don’t know anything about it (wink.)
Hahaha I’m just kidding of course (not really) but I’d like to sincerely congratulate the winner of the Gold Medal who honestly and rightfully beat me out (cough, bullshit, cough.)
So, I’m sure you’ll have a million and one questions, sponsorship opportunities, and party invites for me based on this meteoric accomplishment, but first, I have a few questions for the book award foundation:
1) When do I get my actual medal? I mean, so far I’ve just seen one on this nice Internet badge, but I want something I can hang around my neck and walk slowly through the mall, pointing to myself.
2) When I do get the medal, can I spray paint it gold? Do you think the paint will come off in a hot tub?
3) Does this mean I can stop talking to commoners at the bus stop? “No eye contact! Look down when I’m talking to you!”
4) When is the award banquet and will they have all-you-can-eat shrimp?
5) Is it bad form to demand a recount? I mean, only if it gives me a chance to get Gold, but forget it if there’s a chance I can slip down to Bronze.
6) Speaking of which, let’s all laugh at the person who won bronze!! Hahahaha BRONZE!!!! That’s the color of old people’s skin in Florida! Lol
7) Can I start wearing sunglasses indoors? And do you know a place where I can buy leather pants? For cheap? Second hand, maybe?
8) If we have one of those medal ceremonies where we stand on platforms of varying heights, is it ok for me to wear 8” platform disco boots so I’m on the same level as Gold?
9) Can I submit a selfie where I’ve Photoshopped in copious amounts of hair over my bald spot as a press photo?
10) Where’s the bathroom? I think I ate too many shrimp.
Unfortunately (for you,) that’s all I have to say for now. Judging by how everyone is waving me off the stage and vigorously trying to grab this microphone back, I know you’re all as excited as I am. But before I go, let me leave you with this sincere plea to make this world a better place:
Remember to buy two and even three copies of my Silver-medal winning book and send them to the people who died in that earthquake. I’ll also be donating 10,000 audio books to the International School for Deaf Children, who I’m sure will put them to great use.
I know, I know... “HERO” is such a strong word, but I don’t mind if you use it. A lot.
Well, then - until next year (or the Gold medal winner comes up missing, hehehehe) deuces!
PS In all seriousness, thank you to the generous voters and congrats to all of the winners and participants – there’s no way I belong among these incredibly talented writers. You’re all gold in my book! (so check your brakes.)