There is a problem invading our homeland, a social issue gaining so much momentum that it threatens to usurp all we know about Constitutionally-guaranteed laws and our standards of citizenship. It’s a debate so profound, so polarizing, that it’s managed to infect every corner of our American conversation. No inner city, no woody suburb, no hamlet is immune, and the danger to our children is un-arguable.
I’m talking about people not knowing how to cross the street correctly, of course.
I’d like to offer my assistance.
First off, let’s cover how NOT to cross the street:
1. DO NOT walk diagonally, nor zig zag in any fashion. I’ve been nice enough to illustrate the recommended route in the attached diagram.
Please note: Subway Sandwiches does not endorse these messages in any way. It’s just what I had for lunch so the napkin was close by.
2. Do not lollygag, stroll, pimp, shuffle, tiptoe, waddle, skip to your loo, Cadillac, peacock, Crip walk, or Irish river dance across the street. Just walk at a healthy pace.
3. If, for some reason, you cannot walk at a healthy pace (like you only have one leg or suffer from debilitating venereal warts) and you find yourself impeding motorists because the light turned green prematurely, common courtesy dictates that you jog the rest of the way across the street. A fake jog, more of a bounce, really, just for show and even slower than a regular walk, is perfectly acceptable, as long as it communicates a “little hustle” to the waiting motorists.
4. Do not purposely time your walk so that you will still be in the middle of the intersection when the light turns green. That’s not cool. And while we’re at it, pull up your pants, son.
5. If you are in a parking lot, say, outside of a grocery store, then PLEASE, I IMPLORE you, for the love of all that is holy, stick to the sides of the rows, not right down the middle. A recent study reports that 92% of traffic congestion originates with the 40-minute wait times to crawl forward 25 feet in front of Safeways and ShopRites.
6. If you’re bringing cargo on your voyage: little fat children, a drunk girlfriend, a pet, the new addition of dog shit on your left shoe, any members of your family over 60 years old, or a shopping cart with one bad wheel, please make sure it remains by your side at all times, clearing the intersection with you.
And now a few pointers on the CORRECT way to cross the street:
1. Be on the other side of the street, opposite the side you want to end up on. (This seems self-explanatory yet it is worth noting because it’s SO important that you get this right.)
2. Walk to the nearest pedestrian cross walk or intersection. If they have one of those little buttons then push it, even though no one knows why you have to push it because the light is going to turn green or red as scheduled, anyway.
3. When the pedestrian signal comes up, start walking.
4. Walk from Point A to Point B in a straight line expeditiously, with little or no deviance. This is the shortest distance between these two points, trust me.
5. Congratulations, you’ve arrived safely on the other side of the street. Only now is it a good time to collect yourself and figure out where the fuck you intend to go, yell pleasantries to your friends, check work emails, or respond to important sexts.
I hope this was helpful. I’m having 1,000,000 posters printed up with this message, slated for distribution as public service announcements and hung next to every emergency eyewash fountain in America. Until then, God speed, and keep it moving.
Follow me on Twitter @NormSchriever and tune in next week, when we examine the linguistic conundrum; is it “AXE?” or is it “ASK?”