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Hate Mail Can Be Fun!!!

4/30/2013

23 Comments

 
Yesterday I was the lucky recipient of a comment on one of my blog posts, expressing mild displeasure with my new book, South of Normal.  And displeasure with my existence here on earth.  And any chance I might have of chillaxing in heaven one day.  

Granted, the comment was eloquent, passionate, and succinct, a good piece of writing in its own right.  It said:

"FUCK YOU AND YOUR FUCKING BOOK.  BURN IN HELL YOU SONOFABITCH"

Just like that – all caps to further get the point across.  Oh, and it was thoughtfully submitted by a fan named “FUCKYOU.”
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Well Mr. FUCKYOU, so nice of you to touch base.  I would LOVE to know who you are so I could thank you personally for your support, but, alas, you didn’t leave an email address, a phone number, or even a valid social security number.  

I could only take a wild guess.  They say when faced with something like this, go with your first gut instinct, so I answered with the first person who came to mind who probably wrote it:
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But no, she assured me when she sends me hate mail she leaves out the “SONOFABITCH” part.  Makes sense.  So who could it be?  Someone who is IN the book, who didn’t like their portrayal?  But I changed the names, details, and fictionalized characters in the book, as well as sent the manuscript to the main characters ahead of time to prescreen it.

Could it be a Costa Rican national, upset that I told the truth about my experiences in the wonderful shit show that is Tamarindo?  Maybe, but very few Ticos would lower themselves to actually reading my inane blog, and their death threat would be more overt, like: “I’M GOING TO STAB YOU IN YOUR LEFT COJONE WITH A RUSTY FORK YOU PUTA GRINGO!!!”  In fact, it only takes about $350 do put a hit on someone in Costa Rica, so if a Tico really wanted to do me harm they’d probably do it the right way and not hold back via a blog comment.  Give them some credit!  So we're back to speculating if he is a bitter expat, someone who has a financial interest in Tamarindo?  Am I getting warmer? 

So who can you be?  The suspense is killing me, Mr. FUCKYOU!  Your comment is like being held down and tickled, and I just can’t stand it!

Maybe you aren't a Mr. at all, but a gilded ex-lover, a MS. FUCKYOU?  Probably not, because those have been few and far between lately (the lover part, I mean – there are plenty of the gilded kind).  Or maybe it was a typo, an innocent mistake, and "FUCK" is actually your first name, and "YOU" your last name?  So from now on I will address you as Mr. You.  Ahhh hell, we know each other better than that, so let's keep it on a casual first name basis, shall we?  You can call me "Norm," and I will just call you "FUCK."  Is that better?
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Well, I guess we’ll never know who you truly are and why you wan't me to burn in hell, FUCK, and you'll forever remain anonymous.  Oh, wait…what’s that?  Your computer’s IP address showed up when you left your scalding comment?  AWESOME!  What a great little game of hide and seek you are playing!  You left us a breadcrumb of a clue, you FUN FUCK, or shall I call you "Commentor IP: 68.5.179.131!" 

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Ok, so I enter your IP address in one of these hundreds of free sites that track them down to the longitude and latitude (-118.3163 and 33.7584, respectively, if anyone is keeping track at home) and VOILA!  We can find out exactly where you were sitting when you wrote that heartfelt praise!  

Surprisingly, you wrote this from the United States.  California, in fact.  Let me zoom in on Google Earth.  Zoom, zoom, zoom.  It’s in Southern California, near Los Angeles.  Zoom, zoom, zoom.  In a place called Rancho Palo Verdes.  Zoom zoon zoom.  Wow – this is cool!  I can track your IP address down to a little red dot in the middle of Beecham Drive, a small street that only has a few houses!  It looks like a part of town with grand, expensive houses - you must be a BIG FUCK!  And if I cross-reference that with Los Angeles country property tax records, PRESTO!  I have the names of the homeowners and even your exact address!    

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Coincidentally, I am coming to California for a book tour soon, and even making it down to Los Angeles!  Wouldn’t it be fun if I found the time to drive out to Rancho Palo Verdes and knock on your door and say hello, face to face, you BIG FUN FUCK!?  I could even give you a sloppy hug and a free copy of my book since you liked it so much!  Invite me in for lemonade and I'll bring cookies!  Or I can just pull a mischievous prank like toilet papering your front yard since you fancy yourself such a cheeky CLEVER FUCK!  Ohhhhh I can’t wait to meet you – and video record the expression on your face as you answer the door, you BIG FUN CLEVER FUCK!


Ok, Mr. FUCKYOU, I have to go now, but it’s been fun, and thanks SO much for keeping us entertained!  

See you soon!  

Warm Regards,

Norm "GOFUCKYOURSELFRIGHTBACK" Schriever

23 Comments
Ellie
4/30/2013 04:22:48 am

You are awesome!!

Reply
Norm
4/30/2013 04:24:43 am

Mom, is that you? hahahah THANKS Ellie! :-)

Reply
jenny
4/30/2013 04:28:19 am

haha, this is the best thing ive read in a long time. bravo.

Reply
DB
4/30/2013 04:41:33 am

Haha. I'l buy the toilet paper! Looks there is a nice tree in front of their house. : )

Reply
May
4/30/2013 06:03:09 am

Freaking awesome!

Reply
Gretchen
5/1/2013 12:25:56 am

I haven't laughed like this in awhile!! I guess we can call you the clever fuck and him the dumb fuck!!

Reply
Cricket
5/1/2013 12:30:50 am

Gotta love it when bitter folks trying to be clever fuck it all up.

Reply
Kevin Michael
5/1/2013 02:05:17 am

I love you!! This is awesome to the 1000000th degree!!
I bet FUCK is fucking shaking now! Love IP addresses!!

Reply
Msaechao
5/1/2013 03:49:42 am

Silly FUCK. Lol

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Deidre Trudeau link
5/1/2013 04:48:29 am

Funny & Scary all at the same time, "GOING TO STAB YOU IN YOUR LEFT COJONE WITH A RUSTY FORK " Hahahahaha

Reply
Jill
5/1/2013 05:01:17 am

Maybe Mr. Fuck You is a Mrs. Fuck You? Either way, they are really unhappy and super jealous that you're doing work and have an awesome time!

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Michael link
5/1/2013 06:55:34 am

Shitballs. This post was so yummy, I just had an awesomegasm. And I was trying to get another 3 days outta these skivvies. Too late. Can't wait 'til you're back in NORTHERN California on our show. So much to riff about. Like that heretical fucking book, you ... you... uh.. you.. HERETIC! You'd better quit baiting retired tico drug lords/retired corrupt civil servants with that clear-eyed slander you call a book. You've been warned.

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Heath
5/1/2013 11:52:13 pm

Absolutely brilliant Norm! Would love to see the look on that FUCK's face when he/she reads this. Great post!

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Ms. Tracey is Cool
5/25/2013 12:35:57 pm

Nice one Normie! As always, a fine piece of eloquent prose. (Your Mom paid me to write that)

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FUNNYFUCK
5/26/2013 03:40:39 am

FUCK YOU AND YOUR FUCKING POST. BURN IN HELL YOU SONOFABITCH

Reply
May
5/26/2013 04:54:38 am

I think someone needs a hug?

Reply
Norm Schriever
5/26/2013 04:01:12 am

Hey! It's our friend FunnyFuck! Great to hear from you! How are you these days? How's the job at DMV going? The mail order bride? Did your terrible venereal rash go away? Good luck with all that! Toodles!

Reply
southpaw
5/26/2013 05:44:54 am

its fun to mess with funny f.if he ever comes too san juan del sur i hope he looks me up.....lol

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Ship From USA link
10/15/2013 12:35:45 pm

Very interesting post, really informative of all the blogs I have read on the same topic, this one is actually enlightening. I was longing to read such kind of informative write-ups from a very long time good to know that such kind of posts are there to help ignorant and novice people.

Reply
Timothy Bateson link
5/31/2014 05:42:51 pm

I came to this post from your book "The Book Marketing Bible", and have never laughed so hard.

Reply
Norm Schriever
5/31/2014 06:10:37 pm

Lol thanks Timothy! Glad you got a kick out of it!

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Joe Stevenson link
1/20/2015 06:52:40 am

In a less than entertaining world, I've been peckish for a bit of humor.

Reply
Zonwering link
4/8/2020 06:04:59 am

Thanks for such a great post and the review, I am totally impressed! Keep stuff like this coming.

Reply



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    Norm Schriever

    Norm Schriever is a best-selling author, expat, cultural mad scientist, and enemy of the comfort zone. He travels the globe, telling the stories of the people he finds, and hopes to make the world a little bit better place with his words.   

    Norm is a professional blogger, digital marketer for smart brands around the world,  and writes for the Huffington Post, Hotels.com, and others.

    Check out South of Normal his Amazon.com best-selling book about life as an expat in Tamarindo, Costa Rica.

    Cambodia's School of Hope explores education and empowerment in impoverished Cambodia, with 100% of sales going to that school.

    The Book Marketing Bible provides 99 essential strategies for authors and marketers.

    Pushups in the Prayer Room, is a wild, irreverent memoir about a year backpacking around the world.  

    Follow Norm on Twitter @NormSchriever or email any time to say hi!

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