Yesterday I was the lucky recipient of a comment on one of my blog posts, expressing mild displeasure with my new book, South of Normal. And displeasure with my existence here on earth. And any chance I might have of chillaxing in heaven one day.
Granted, the comment was eloquent, passionate, and succinct, a good piece of writing in its own right. It said:
"FUCK YOU AND YOUR FUCKING BOOK. BURN IN HELL YOU SONOFABITCH"
Just like that – all caps to further get the point across. Oh, and it was thoughtfully submitted by a fan named “FUCKYOU.”
Granted, the comment was eloquent, passionate, and succinct, a good piece of writing in its own right. It said:
"FUCK YOU AND YOUR FUCKING BOOK. BURN IN HELL YOU SONOFABITCH"
Just like that – all caps to further get the point across. Oh, and it was thoughtfully submitted by a fan named “FUCKYOU.”
Well Mr. FUCKYOU, so nice of you to touch base. I would LOVE to know who you are so I could thank you personally for your support, but, alas, you didn’t leave an email address, a phone number, or even a valid social security number.
I could only take a wild guess. They say when faced with something like this, go with your first gut instinct, so I answered with the first person who came to mind who probably wrote it:
I could only take a wild guess. They say when faced with something like this, go with your first gut instinct, so I answered with the first person who came to mind who probably wrote it:
But no, she assured me when she sends me hate mail she leaves out the “SONOFABITCH” part. Makes sense. So who could it be? Someone who is IN the book, who didn’t like their portrayal? But I changed the names, details, and fictionalized characters in the book, as well as sent the manuscript to the main characters ahead of time to prescreen it.
Could it be a Costa Rican national, upset that I told the truth about my experiences in the wonderful shit show that is Tamarindo? Maybe, but very few Ticos would lower themselves to actually reading my inane blog, and their death threat would be more overt, like: “I’M GOING TO STAB YOU IN YOUR LEFT COJONE WITH A RUSTY FORK YOU PUTA GRINGO!!!” In fact, it only takes about $350 do put a hit on someone in Costa Rica, so if a Tico really wanted to do me harm they’d probably do it the right way and not hold back via a blog comment. Give them some credit! So we're back to speculating if he is a bitter expat, someone who has a financial interest in Tamarindo? Am I getting warmer?
So who can you be? The suspense is killing me, Mr. FUCKYOU! Your comment is like being held down and tickled, and I just can’t stand it!
Maybe you aren't a Mr. at all, but a gilded ex-lover, a MS. FUCKYOU? Probably not, because those have been few and far between lately (the lover part, I mean – there are plenty of the gilded kind). Or maybe it was a typo, an innocent mistake, and "FUCK" is actually your first name, and "YOU" your last name? So from now on I will address you as Mr. You. Ahhh hell, we know each other better than that, so let's keep it on a casual first name basis, shall we? You can call me "Norm," and I will just call you "FUCK." Is that better?
Could it be a Costa Rican national, upset that I told the truth about my experiences in the wonderful shit show that is Tamarindo? Maybe, but very few Ticos would lower themselves to actually reading my inane blog, and their death threat would be more overt, like: “I’M GOING TO STAB YOU IN YOUR LEFT COJONE WITH A RUSTY FORK YOU PUTA GRINGO!!!” In fact, it only takes about $350 do put a hit on someone in Costa Rica, so if a Tico really wanted to do me harm they’d probably do it the right way and not hold back via a blog comment. Give them some credit! So we're back to speculating if he is a bitter expat, someone who has a financial interest in Tamarindo? Am I getting warmer?
So who can you be? The suspense is killing me, Mr. FUCKYOU! Your comment is like being held down and tickled, and I just can’t stand it!
Maybe you aren't a Mr. at all, but a gilded ex-lover, a MS. FUCKYOU? Probably not, because those have been few and far between lately (the lover part, I mean – there are plenty of the gilded kind). Or maybe it was a typo, an innocent mistake, and "FUCK" is actually your first name, and "YOU" your last name? So from now on I will address you as Mr. You. Ahhh hell, we know each other better than that, so let's keep it on a casual first name basis, shall we? You can call me "Norm," and I will just call you "FUCK." Is that better?
Well, I guess we’ll never know who you truly are and why you wan't me to burn in hell, FUCK, and you'll forever remain anonymous. Oh, wait…what’s that? Your computer’s IP address showed up when you left your scalding comment? AWESOME! What a great little game of hide and seek you are playing! You left us a breadcrumb of a clue, you FUN FUCK, or shall I call you "Commentor IP: 68.5.179.131!"
Ok, so I enter your IP address in one of these hundreds of free sites that track them down to the longitude and latitude (-118.3163 and 33.7584, respectively, if anyone is keeping track at home) and VOILA! We can find out exactly where you were sitting when you wrote that heartfelt praise!
Surprisingly, you wrote this from the United States. California, in fact. Let me zoom in on Google Earth. Zoom, zoom, zoom. It’s in Southern California, near Los Angeles. Zoom, zoom, zoom. In a place called Rancho Palo Verdes. Zoom zoon zoom. Wow – this is cool! I can track your IP address down to a little red dot in the middle of Beecham Drive, a small street that only has a few houses! It looks like a part of town with grand, expensive houses - you must be a BIG FUCK! And if I cross-reference that with Los Angeles country property tax records, PRESTO! I have the names of the homeowners and even your exact address!
Surprisingly, you wrote this from the United States. California, in fact. Let me zoom in on Google Earth. Zoom, zoom, zoom. It’s in Southern California, near Los Angeles. Zoom, zoom, zoom. In a place called Rancho Palo Verdes. Zoom zoon zoom. Wow – this is cool! I can track your IP address down to a little red dot in the middle of Beecham Drive, a small street that only has a few houses! It looks like a part of town with grand, expensive houses - you must be a BIG FUCK! And if I cross-reference that with Los Angeles country property tax records, PRESTO! I have the names of the homeowners and even your exact address!
Coincidentally, I am coming to California for a book tour soon, and even making it down to Los Angeles! Wouldn’t it be fun if I found the time to drive out to Rancho Palo Verdes and knock on your door and say hello, face to face, you BIG FUN FUCK!? I could even give you a sloppy hug and a free copy of my book since you liked it so much! Invite me in for lemonade and I'll bring cookies! Or I can just pull a mischievous prank like toilet papering your front yard since you fancy yourself such a cheeky CLEVER FUCK! Ohhhhh I can’t wait to meet you – and video record the expression on your face as you answer the door, you BIG FUN CLEVER FUCK!
Ok, Mr. FUCKYOU, I have to go now, but it’s been fun, and thanks SO much for keeping us entertained!
See you soon!
Warm Regards,
Norm "GOFUCKYOURSELFRIGHTBACK" Schriever
Ok, Mr. FUCKYOU, I have to go now, but it’s been fun, and thanks SO much for keeping us entertained!
See you soon!
Warm Regards,
Norm "GOFUCKYOURSELFRIGHTBACK" Schriever
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