1. Traditional bullfighting is a brutal “sport,” often criticized by animal rights activists and advocates for being cruel and violent for the animals involved. Still, in places like Spain and Mexico, bullfighting remains popular, with matadors entertaining crowds by disabling and ultimately killing the bulls.

2. They have bull fights in Costa Rica, too – the progressive Central American country with no army and a great history of democracy and human rights – but they do things a little bit different. In fact, the bull is NEVER harmed, but chases down and doles out punishment on unarmed and defenseless human beings!

3. At fairs, festivals, and horse shows all over the small nation, which are called topes, bullfights, called Corridas de torros – or literally translated, “Running from the bulls,” are held all year but mostly in the holiday months of December, January, and February.

4. Costa Ricans also affectionately call bull fighting Toros a la Tica, or bulls of Costa Rica. The bulls may be the main event but fair goers also enjoy carnival rides, games, karaoke, makeshift bars and nightclubs, and tons of local foods and treats for the whole family.

1. It's ecologically friendly.
Costa Rica is considered one of the most ecologically conscious countries in the world, instituting a goal to be carbon neutral way back in 1997 – and coming close these days. In fact, Costa Rica is ranked no. 5 in the world on the Environmental Performance Index, the best country outside Europe. It’s probably also the no. 1 eco-tourism destination in the world.

2. It has the oldest constitution in Central America.
Costa Rica is the longest-standing democracy in Central America, thanks to their national constitution, drafted in 1949. The governing document affords many rights and protections to its citizens, allowing Costa Rica to enjoy stable and peaceful growth. Costa Rica consistently ranks the highest of any Latin Nation on the Human Development Index and United Nations Development Programme.

3. It's a country with no army.
With their progressive constitution in 1949, Costa Rica decided to ban any armed forces, making it one of only a handful of countries in the world without an army, still to this day.

4. A great education system.
By investing in education instead of funding an army, Costa Rica now boasts a 96% literacy rate, the highest in Latin America.  Their commitment to education has allowed them to attract good skilled jobs and boost income for their citizens.

5. Unmatched natural beauty.
Costa Rica has not one but two gorgeous coastlines with more than 800 miles of shoreline and tropical beaches, on the Pacific and also the Caribbean side of the country.

6. The most diverse wildlife on the planet.
There are over 130 species of fish, 220 of reptiles, 1,000 butterflies, 9,000 plants, 20,000 species of spiders and 34,000 species of insects in Costa Rica, which represents 5% of the world’s biodiversity even though it is just about .03% of the earth’s total landmass. Costa Rica is also known for its sloths and turtles and they can be seen in protected habitats and beaches. But if you’re more of a monkey, lizard, or exotic bird lover, Costa Rica will be your favorite place! In fact, the country became the first place in the Americas to ban recreational hunting.

7. Adventure sports galore.
Zip lining, sky diving, jumping off waterfalls, repelling, exploring caves, horseback riding, 4x4 runs, jet skiing, and just about every other adventure sport you could imagine are all on the menu in Costa Rica.

8. Volcanoes!
The landmass of present day Costa Rica is the result of volcanic eruptions 75 million years ago – and still are active today. In fact, Costa Rica still has five listed active volcanoes and more than 200 volcanic formations. The most famous of these is Arenal Volcano an easy day trip from San Jose. It last erupted in 1968, but you can still enjoy the hot springs at its base.

9. Protected nature reserves.
Costa Rica is on the forefront of environmental conservation, long ago protecting about 25% of their country as national parks. Manuel Antonio National Park on the west coast is the most famous, but Tortuguero National Park and La Amistad International Park are amazing, too.
10. Top surfing.
Costa Rica is ranked as one of the three best surfing destinations in the world, home to year round warm water and unique microclimate that bring consistent offshore winds. Big competitions like the Billabong World Surfing Games are often hosted by Costa Rica, but even beginners can wax up their boards and catch some waves.

11. Their “Pura Vida” attitude
A common saying among locals is “Pura Vida” which means “pure life.” Everywhere you go in Costa Rica you will be welcomed with a smile by the locals, and they will truly make you feel at home in their country.

12. It’s so close to the U.S. and Canada.
One of the best things about Costa Rica is its close proximity to the United States and Canada. San Jose is only a 2-hour flight from Miami and 3 ½ hours from New York, and there are more nonstop and cheap, direct flights all the time.

13. The happiest country on earth.
The World Database of Happiness ranks Costa Rica as the #1 happiest nation on earth out of 148 countries. (The United States ranks no. 20, by the way.)

14. Gender equality.
According to the World Economic Forum, Costa Rica ranks higher than even the United States in the gender gap index. The female population is educated, enjoys advanced healthcare, voting, and employment equality. In fact, Costa Rica even had a female president recently.

15. Superb coffee and chocolate.
Thanks to their mountain terrain and tropical weather, Costa Rica is known as producing some of the best coffee and chocolate in the world. Those just happen to be two of our favorite things!

16. A world class healthcare system.
Costa Rica has a modern and highly rated healthcare system, even more highly ranked than the United States. Costa Rican citizens enjoy universal healthcare insurance and have a life expectancy of 77 years, one of the highest in the world.

17. Modern and improving Infrastructure.
Costa Rica has gone to great lengths to modernize and improve their infrastructure in the past decades, so there are efficient international airports, paved highways connecting the country, and modern amenities in the capital of San Jose as well as any popular touristy area.

18. Diving and marine life.
Costa Rica has some of the best diving, snorkeling, and accessible marine life in the world, such as such the Cocos Island National Park, also a World Heritage Site and the Gandoca-Manzanillo Wildlife Refugee. In fact, Costa Rica’s oceans are home to at least 6,777 species, which is 3.5% of the known species in the planet!

19. Bull fights…that are safe for the bulls.
Bullfights are a Costa Rican tradition, at every small village festival and the grand events in San Jose. But unlike the bullfights in Spain and other areas, the bulls are never harmed in Costa Rica…though they do dish out some serious damage to whoever is brave enough to jump in the ring with them.
​
20. Costa Rica welcomes expats.
People from all over the world choose to move down to Costa Rica and make it their new home. Retirees, surfers, young families, and those who just desire the simple, beachside life move there every year by the thousands – and Costa Ricans general welcome them with open arms.
​
***
Check out South of Normal, the Amazon best-selling cult classic book about an expat's bizarre, outrageous, and beautiful experience moving to Costa Rica. 

Costa Rica is one of the most amazing countries on earth, with natural beauty, beaches, and a warm culture that's unparalleled. Every year, almost 2.5 million tourists visit the nation that has no army, and thousands of expats and retirees from the United States and Canada move there annually. If you're thinking about moving to Costa Rica - or just going for a vacation - you definitely will want to read these books. They're not guide books, but real life narratives by people who actually moved there and experienced Costa Rica first hand. The books are listed by popularity and you can click on the titles to link to Amazon.com

Feel free to email me if you have any questions about moving to Costa Rica. Pura vida and happy reading!  

-Norm Schriever   :-)

Happier Than A Billionaire.

In this humorous and witty account, Nadine Pisani shares what it is like to follow her dream of quitting her job and starting a new life under the sunny skies of Costa Rica. Along the way, she finds reliable utilities are not that reliable, quirky neighbors are unavoidable, and tackling red tape takes the strength of a linebacker. But with all its challenges, you'll learn why Costa Rica is ranked as one of the happiest places on earth--and you too may want to taste the Pura Vida lifestyle.

South of Normal.

A gonzo blast of laughs and adventure about a year spent in the tropical paradise of Tamarindo, Costa Rica. Frustrated and unfulfilled with the rat race in the States, businessman Norm Schriever quits his job, sells and donates all of his possessions, and moves down to Tamarindo, Costa Rica, with nothing but a laptop and a surfboard. But Norm soon finds that paradise has its dark side. Whether it’s adapting to the local customs and the language barrier, dodging lawless drug traffickers and corrupt cops, or spending “quality time” in a Third World prison, Norm always keeps his sense of humor and forges ahead, intent on finding the paradise he has been looking for. 

To download a free sample, click here.

In Search of Captain Zero.

In 1996, Allan Weisbecker sold his home and his possessions, loaded his dog and surfboards into his truck, and set off in search of his long-time surfing companion, Patrick, who had vanished into the depths of Central America. In this rollicking memoir of his quest from Mexico to Costa Rica to unravel the circumstances of Patrick's disappearance, Weisbecker intimately describes the people he befriended, the bandits he evaded, the waves he caught and lost en route to finding his friend. 

Two Weeks in Costa Rica.

Have you ever been attacked by monkeys, hiked in one of the most biologically diverse places on earth, or had your wallet stolen, then given back? Matthew Houde and Jennifer Turnbull share these adventures and more in the book, Two Weeks in Costa Rica.

Unraveling the Mysteries of Moving to Costa Rica.

Ever wonder what it would be like to leave the U.S. and move to the tropics? This book deftly blends the personal story of the author (who, along with her husband and parents, moved from Maine to Costa Rica) with incredibly helpful practical advice. A wonderfully readable resource for anyone considering moving to Costa Rica. First in the Mainers in Costa Rica series.

Paradise Imperfect.

Margot and Anthony were ordinary parents. With two jobs and three kids, there was soccer and carpool and too much to do, and a little chronic stress about money. Then one night, following a day that was a regular amount of hectic, Margot had an idea: “I think we should move to Costa Rica.” Seven weeks later, there they were, jobless on top of a mountain, hours from the nearest paved road. This witty, insightful memoir of a family's struggle to right itself in a leafy new world is about parenting and privilege, loneliness and connection. It’s about what happens when a stressed-out technology professional escapes with her loved ones to an idyllic mountaintop...and finds that even when everything changes, some things remain the same.

Hope, Happiness and Pura Vida.

Heart Attack = One Week Vacation = A Story of Adventure = Life Lessons = Is Your Life in Need of a Makeover? Go along on an adventure as Debbie Knight shares a seven year journey that she and her husband, Chuck, followed in pursuit of the “pure" life in Costa Rica. You will learn about the magic of Pura Vida in one of the happiest places on earth and learn sometimes why it can also be a rather frustrating experience. You will question if your life is on the right track or if it too is in need of a makeover.

I received an email from a reader the other day with these questions:  

"What would be the best advice for young adults trying to travel or move out the country?  And which countries are best to move to?"

Super questions!  My best advice for young adults trying to move out of the country would be to travel while you’re young.  Do it now when you don’t mind long bus rides and bad beds and you don’t have a lot keeping you back in the states  (or your home country.)  Life has a way of anchoring you as you go on, and pretty soon you might have a good job, an apartment lease, car payments, a house, or a relationships or marriage that keeps you grounded.  So do it now!  

I would also suggest that you form a plan how you are going to fund the trip a good ways out – maybe 6 months? - and work your butt off until that date arrives.  You’ll have to sacrifice a lot; eating out, nights partying with friends, the newest clothes or concert tickets, but all of that money will be essential if you’re going to travel. In that time you have to prepare, read everything you can about your destination countries, learn about the cultures, watch documentaries, and read some travel articles and books that will give you a taste of real life on the road, too. 

Last thing: be careful.  The rest of the world is not a fantasy land and most people have problems that we can’t even imagine in the US.  So getting too drunk, walking around alone, messing with drugs, getting in with the wrong crowd, etc. could lead you into situations you can’t get out of.  Slow play the partying and keep your eyes open and you’ll be fine.  

The other question, "Where should you go?"

That all depends on what you’re looking for, but I’m going to take a wild guess and say you want someplace warm, with a beach, that’s not too expensive, where there are other backpackers?  That opens up one set of possibilities, but others want to volunteer, or to experience authentic culture more than partying and lying on the beach.  It also makes a huge difference if you’re just going backpacking around or trying to live there for a year and work.

When I chose a country to live in (not just vacation!) I have a rough guide of criteria, based on priorities.  Make your own list and then do some research what might be a good fit.    

Tier 1
• Cheap – lodging around $300-$500 a month, total budget around $1,500 a month.
• Nice beach – a beautiful white sand beach goes a long way in balancing out all other factors!
• Friendly people – Then again, I don’t care how beautiful a country is, if the people aren’t warm and friendly, I’ll keep it moving.  I’m not down with snobbery or arrogance.
• Safe politically – don’t be freaked out by one news story in a country (if we judged the US by that same standard we’d never want to visit!) but also don’t mess with places where a coup or political violence is occurring.  Same thing goes for countries with terrorism, religious radicals, or drug cartel problems.
• Good WIFI (no kidding – I write/work as I live abroad so I’m screwed without a serviceable internet connection)
• City, town, or village?  There are pros and cons to each as you balance amenities, convenience, laid back vibe, nature, etc.

Tier 2
• Healthy, cheap food – I want to say “Yummmmm,” for $3 a meal, not for $7 a meal and up.  
• Culture – things to do like visiting temples, ruins, archeological sites, natural wonders, etc.
• Night life – of course you want a little bit of fun, but are you looking for mellow beach bars or clubbing all night long?
• Safety walking the streets
• Ability to get work –teaching English, teaching yoga, or working at a hostel or bar are some of the best possibilities for local employment
• Some tourism, but not overrun – the problem you’ll encounter is that the places you want to go, everyone else in the world wants to go there, too.  The trick is to find a place that is ahead of the curve, not way behind it when it will be too crowded/too expensive/soulless.  
• Diversity of population – I like a place that has a healthy blend of backpackers, expatriates, vactioners, and plenty of locals who still live there – not just work there.  That’s harder to find than you’d think!


Tier 3
• Speak some English – you should attempt to learn the local lingo but it really helps when they speak a few words of English.
• Proximity – The southern tip of Patagonia in Argentina is amazing, but don’t think you’re just a hop, skip, and jump away from main cities.  It’s fun to be in a city/country where you can get around easily, hopping buses and even small flights around the country or region easily.  
• Good gym – since I’m living in these countries I want to go to the gym every day and especially love boxing or muay thai, etc., but maybe you just want to surf or do yoga, etc.
• Family friendly – I like locations that don’t just have a bunch of 20 year old kids but a cross section of real life, including families and people who are old (my age.)

Based on those criteria, some great spots I’d suggest:  Costa Rica, Panama, Nicaragua, Colombia, Ecuador, Peru, Cuba (I’m dying to go there!), India, Sri Lanka, Israel, Jordan, Ghana, Senegal, Vietnam (good one,) Cambodia, Thailand (a little too touristy for my liking,) Laos, Mynmar, the Philippines, and Bali in Indonesia.  That’s a short list.  You can do the Caribbean and Europe when you’re older, plus they’re a little too expensive. 

I hope that helps, and happy travels!

-Norm  :-)

Writing a memoir can be a fun, exciting endeavor, and cathartic for the author to get their version of real life onto the page.  It also has the capacity to piss off a lot of people.  

I ran into a few complex ethical questions while writing my second book, South of Normal, a nonfiction account of the year I lived down in Tamarindo, Costa Rica.  As I navigated the tangled jungle of ethics within that book, I decided to document and share a few points that might help other authors, as well:

Get their feedback – If characters will be recognizable and you actually care what they think, be respectful.  Send an email letting them know that you are publishing this project and offer to have a conversation with them if they have any issues or concerns.  Be open to listening to their point of view and making any non-essential changes  

Never compromise someone’s safety - As I wrote “South of Normal” I reached out for a friend, unfortunately a main character in the book who is locked up in a Third World prison.  He requested that I excluded certain details about his case for security reasons, and of course I complied.  

Chose your words carefully – Even changing one word can alter the whole context of a paragraph.  Showing actions or documenting a character’s dialogue straight from their mouth is a great way to show “the dirt” because the writer’s not telling you what to think, they make up an opinion for themselves.

Be fair with each character – Show the good and bad in your characters to balance them out.  Great people often have great flaws and people who do bad things are usually just misguided or hurt, not evil.  Making the bad guys likable and vice versa will also add depth and humanize your characters.

Don’t write angry – Ranting against someone and settling scores in your writing is a horrible thing to do.  But it’s also fun, and better than blowing up their car in real life, so I recommend doing it through the lens of humor, and show some sort of redemption or coming to peace with them afterwards.  Angry does not write well, and usually reflects more poorly on the writer than it does the subject. 

Hold yourself to the same standard – Bash yourself.  I mean really rip into your flaws, misdeeds, and moral struggles.  The readers will see themselves in you and love you for it.  Again, humor is a great way to expose your foibles.  

Want vs. Need - Make sure private and revealing details about characters are necessary – as a rule of thumb anything that’s written should either develop characters or move the story along with action.  

Change names – the easiest way to insulate yourself against the backlash from characters in your book is to alter their names, and even relevant details.  Once that is done you’ll sleep easier telling your truth without softening the blows. 

Get it in writing - Document Facebook messages, texts, and emails with information with the characters and situations in your book.  Having written documentation is your bulletproof vest against libel suits or flat out denials.  

The dark alley test – Ultimately who’s right and wrong becomes irrelevant at a certain point.  If you still have to work or interact with these people on a daily basis then ask yourself if what you’re writing is worth it if you happened to meet them in a dark alley.    

Sometimes real life is just more important than your art.  I have a dear friend in Tamarindo whose friendship I value above all else.  She is a pivotal character in the book and goes through a difficult, emotional journey, though her growth is one of the main victories by the end.  It was important for me to get her blessing, so I asked her to read certain parts of the manuscript before it went over to the publishers.  I was pleasantly surprised that she suggested only one small change, but other than that really liked it and thought I did a good job.  You never know how people will respond emotionally to their private lives being documented, so just ask.   

Some people will love their portrayals in South of Normal, some will be less than thrilled.  But I’m confident I found that small patch of terra firma where I treated everyone fairly but also didn’t set out to assassinate anyone’s character, while still staying true to the heart of the story.  Wish me luck, and I’ll see you in a dark alley soon.  

If you have any questions, suggestions, or writing experiences, I'd love to hear!  

Email me at [email protected] and follow me on Twitter @NormSchriever for updates.  

First off, let me correct that title.  It should read: Confessions of an Amazon.com Best-Selling d-bag book marketer.  That’s because, as of 8:14 am EST on April 26, 2013 AD, the year of our Lord, I joined the ranks of Amazon’s best selling authors.  

I know what you’re thinking: “Who gives a flying shiznitt?”  And I totally agree, but please grant me two seconds anyway, so I might be able to provide you insight into the highly suspect nature of best seller lists.

You see, I love writing, and I love sharing that writing with you.  And on the rare occasion that you, the reader, remark that you actually enjoyed my words (whether out of generosity or intoxication, I couldn’t care less) it just sends me to the moon.  But I hate trying to sell books.  In a perfect world I could just live in a hut on a tropical beach halfway across the world and write my heart out and the books would sell themselves.  But, alas, I find myself required to participate in polite society from time to time, like everyone else.  Sighhhhh. 

Certainly, I’m not alone: there are over 300,00 books published every year, all clamoring to be sold!  That’s a lot of hungry authors yelling at the top of their lungs (on the internet) for you to buy their book.  Me, me me!  After a while it gets so loud and cluttered that it sort of cancels itself out, giving the general public a big, dull headache. 

Don’t get me wrong, I believe my book is damn entertaining and worth a read, but I resist becoming a part of that club.  At least once a week I vow never ever ever to become yet another d-bag book marketer…but that lasts about thirteen minutes and then do it anyway, subjecting myself to the industry’s recommended solicitations: wasting time on Facebook and calling it a social media campaign, begging semi-famous people for a shout-out, pandering to appear on B-List radio shows with plastic plants in their studios, and kissing the ass of some social misfit just because they have a magical thing called a “blog.”  

As an Indie author (which really means ‘self-published’ but we say ‘Indie’ because it sounds WAY cooler, like we’re SO artsy we have no use for abstracts like success and money,) I’m required to work the big room, über-conscious of marketing, promoting, publicizing, advertising, and, ultimately, selling my humble work.  It’s not out of greed – in fact it takes a LOT of book sales just to break even on my costs or to make a little money.  Most authors make more money off of speaking engagements, coaching, ghost writing, or selling you their marketing program than they do off of book sales, and unless you’re one of the iconic few in the ivory tower of publishing (James Patterson, Stephen King, etc.) you probably haven’t quit your day job.

Now, I didn’t say I’m bad at it – I do okay, considering my marketing budget closely resembles a round, bread-like toasted breakfast item that’s covered in crème cheese.  But I truly despise it.  

Yet somehow, inexplicably, lightning struck a month after I released South of Normal (shameless plug) and it achieved Amazon.com’s best seller status.  But before you take out the pom poms and get all excited, (or call “bullshit,” as I probably would), let me explain how the whole thing works, and then maybe you’ll agree that best seller lists, super novas in the book marketing universe, are sort of…d-baggish.  

What is a best seller?

When people hear “best-seller” they assume we’re talking about the New York Time’s Best Sellers List, (NYT is officially the “best sellerS” list, while some spell it ‘best seller’) which is like making the Hall of Fame of writing.  But the New York Time’s list isn’t the only game in town – there are also best selling lists published by the American Booksellers Association, IndieBound, Barnes & Noble, Publishers Weekly, the Boston Globe, USA Today, Denver Post, Wall Street Journal, Los Angeles Times, and Walmart.  

Yes, I’m serious, Walmart.  Imagine someone bragging: “I’m a Walmart best-selling author!”  That’s like saying you have the best teeth in West Virginia.  

No matter which list we’re talking, there are warts to this honor.  No one knows the exact algorithm they use to rank books but industry insiders understand which marketing activities are most beneficial to land their clients on the list.  For instance, the NYT list traditionally didn’t tally book sales but book orders, and to only a handful of brick-and-mortar bookstores.  So smart publicists focused their dollars on ensuring advanced orders to those specific stores, and voilà – their client was on the list.

Hell, it wasn’t even until last year that they started ranking eBooks.  Amanda Hocking sold over a million books but her book NEVER appeared on the NYT list!  However, Snooki’s fiction book, A Shore Thing, hit the list at #24 and, if you’re like me, you’d pay $14.95 NOT to hear what Snooki has to say.  Certainly we can agree that being list-worthy is no glaring indication of quality. 

Buying your way onto a list.

If that’s not watered-down enough, there are even ways to buy your way onto best selling lists.  Legitimate publicity firms will ensure your placement based on what you pay.  The formula is simple – pre-order enough of your own books from the right book stores (albeit at a discount) and you will rank high enough to show up on the list.  Then you can re-sell the books to recoup some of your costs.  To avoid transparency, the firms break up the orders into purchases from smaller corporate entities with different names.  It might cost you $50,000-$80,000 to get on the Wall Street Journal’s list, and triple that to be in the big-daddy NYT list. 

What about eBooks?

And then there are online eBook sales, through Amazon.com, Barnes & Noble.com, and Smashwords.com, etc.  Both eBooks and Indie publishing have completely changed the landscape of publishing over the last five years, ensuring the democratization of literature like nothing since the Gutenberg press.  23% of all book sales in 2012 were eBooks, so Amazon and Kindle, who are tag-teaming a takeover of the whole English-speaking world (and doing a bloody fine job of it,) have their own best-seller lists. 

How do you become an Amazon best seller?

What does it take for an author to become an Amazon.com best seller?  There is no hard and fast rule, but I’ve heard authors generally call themselves a best seller if their book hits top ten in any category.  That was confirmed when I Googled “How many book sales do you need to call yourself a bestselling author at parties to get free drinks from rich people and attract attention from women who otherwise are way out of your league?”  Top ten, it is.  

Can you beat the system?

Does everyone play nice on Amazon?  Of course not.  A concentrated burst of sales and reviews is the fastest way to move up Amazon’s list, at which point they promote you themselves, so some authors pay for reviews.  John Locke, who set the record for the most eBook sales with Donovan’s Creed, admitted to paying for reviews!  He hired a firm to buy 15,000 of his own eBooks to “juice” sales and write favorable reviews, sky rocketing his exposure.  A lot of people in the industry aren’t too happy with that, but I give him credit for outplaying publishing’s innately crooked game.  Screw ‘em. 

Some authors price their eBooks at rock bottom, 99 cents, to promote volume, or even give away masses of books for free because, ultimately, a review is worth more to your exposure and future profit than the .35 cents you might pocket today.  Kindle is accommodating enough to set up your free giveaway and then independent internet sites will help you promote it on the web, charging you for the privilege.  So you end up paying to give your book away for free!  If that’s not counterintuitive to the spirit of commerce then I don’t know what is.  

The trick to ranking high on Amazon.com.

Amazon places books in general categories, like Romance, Biography, Science Fiction, etc., but with 7 million books in print they need distinctive subcategories, like “Civil War memoir,” and “Anything that has to do with zombies.”  They even have sub-sub categories, and it goes on and on.  When an author registers their book it behooves them to place it in the most specific category possible so they’ll face the least competition, and therefore have the best chance of rising in the ranks.  Make sense?  

When registering South of Normal on Amazon (alright, Norm, stop with the name dropping - we get it already) I first tried placing it in a sub-category where only nine books existed, so I’d automatically rank in the top ten.  But changed my mind because I don’t think a book about living in Costa Rica would do well in the only nine-book category I could find: 

Fantasy> Fables and Myths> Biography> Politics> Honest Republicans.  

Instead, I landed in:

Kindle Store> Kindle eBooks> Nonfiction> Travel> Specialty Travel> Adventure.  

Really?  Specialty travel?  What does that even mean, I’m “special” and I happened to travel, so I get my own category?  Books register in a few categories, so I also was a big hitter in:

Books> Humor & Entertainment> Love, Sex, & Marriage.

Wait, so you’re telling me that my book is considered a literary marital aid?  A discourse on intercourse?  Actually, that makes perfect sense, since I wrote about important topics like "Jungle Bush," tourists surprised by transvestite prostitutes, and how sand is definitely not a lubricant.  But we can all agree that I’ve never been accused of being humorous.      

Anyway, the book was released and I begged everyone I’ve known since 2nd grade to buy it and write a review on Amazon, including talking my own mother into writing one under a pseudonym (Pia.)  But I vowed not to get caught up in the whole ranking thing because I’m better than that…so I only checked the rankings first thing in the morning…and after meals…and every time I saw an article on Kim and Kanye, but I swear, that’s it.  

Remarkably, with a modest burst of Kindle sales and a few great reviews (some of them from REAL people other than my family members) South of Normal showed up on the Amazon rankings at #20 in its category, and then #17, and then, the next day, #13.  

I was moving up!  God bless America!  The system is obviously working if it rewards pen-wielding prodigies like yours truly!    

But then something horrible happened – I dropped back down to #15.  F ‘em!  Sons of beaches!  I won’t lower myself to this kind of degradation!  

You see folks, I’m not into superficial self promotion like best seller lists, and…wait, hold on…what’s that?  Holy duck dicks!  I checked again and it said my book was #5!  Five!  (That’s Roman Numeral V, for you keeping score at home.)  What does that mean?!  Something?  Nothing?  Probably something!  

The Tribe had spoken - I was an Amazon best-selling author.  Who the hell was I to question it?  I took a quick screenshot to record the milestone for posterity (and for those who called “bullshit”,) then took it from a better angle, then squeezed my head next to the screen to take a selfie.  I immediately updated Facebook and added the Amazon best seller graphic to my email signature, taking up roughly ¾ of the computer screen so it would be physiologically impossible for anyone but Stevie Wonder to miss it.

I kept checking the rankings to calculate when I’d overtake John Krakauer’s Into Thin Air, the legendary Everest tale that sat atop my category on Amazon, but I still lagged slightly - I only needed about 947,962 more sales to knock off Big John.  Instead, my book lingered in the top twenty for a few weeks, then eventually sunk into ranking obscurity.  But it was too late to take it back; I was officially a best seller, a brand I could narcissistically use for all time (and especially at parties.)  

But don’t worry…this super-duper impressive designation won’t go to my head one iota.  I’m not going to turn into yet another d-bag book marketer, wearing sunglasses indoors and saying “Let’s do lunch, babe.”  I’m still the same good ‘ol broke schlub you know and don't love, a humble blue collar man of the people.  So don’t feel like you need to refer to me as an Amazon best-selling author or anything…MISTER Amazon best selling author will do just fine!  Ha!  (Insert evil laugh here.)  

Now, if you’ll please excuse me, I’m headed to Walmart to sneak some more of my books onto the shelves.  Number one with a bullet, baby!

-Norm :-)

Because sometimes you have to offend 1 billion Chinese people, 65 million Frenchmen, Jerry Lewis, midgets, the ASPCA, vegetarians, change your last name to "Beaver," publicly confess to involuntary abstinence, eat some vanilla pudding, make fun of your own penis, and give a pig earrings, just to get through the day.

There was a French lady living in Tamarindo who kept nine terriers and a pig as pets. The pig had its ears pierced for some strange reason. It was the queen of the litter and the terriers circled around her, snarling viciously at anyone who got too close. Those fuzzy brown terriers couldn’t have been more than eight pounds each, but man they were nasty. Every day the French woman walked them on the beach.

I passed them when I jogged on the beach. I tried to make a wide berth but for some reason they hated me. Maybe they could smell fear, or tell that I was American and didn’t think Jerry Lewis was all that funny? Perhaps they could sense that I loved bacon, I’m not sure, but all at once those nine little fuckers charged, showing their teeth and barking.

“Eeeeeyyyyattts!” I screamed, picking up the pace of my run. But they closed in and blocked my escape, snapping at my heels.

“Get back, you evil beasts!” I yelled. But these weren’t your Grandma’s poodles; those little mutated Ewoks were trained killers. I looked over to the woman for help, but she just stood there. How do you say, “Call off your nine psycho terriers, you horribly irresponsible woman!” in French?

“Hey! Little help over here!” I yelled to her, pointing at the carnage unfolding around me. But she just lit up a cigarette and stared off toward the sunset.

So I zigzagged up and down the beach with all nine of them giving chase, jumping around and waving my arms wildly like I was trying to cross a pit of hot coals. One terrier lunged at my testicles but missed. The other Ticos on the beach laughed hysterically, bent over holding their knees, but no one offered to help. So what if the little hairballs had pink collars—didn’t they understand that this was a real emergency?

The leader of the terrier gang growled and took a step toward me. It was fourth and long, and coach was calling for a punt. I lined up...here comes the snap...laces out...I stepped into it and.... pulled back at the last moment because I didn’t have the heart to kick him. I whiffed into bright blue air and went tumbling down. This would end badly, I thought. I was defenseless; surely they would rip me to shreds. Everything went dark.

I had so many questions for the lady. Maybe I could ask her once I was well enough to have visitors at the hospital, after the plastic surgeons pieced together what was left of my face. Of course I’d be in traction and a full body cast, the majority of damage to my man-junk region where the terriers were like little seek-and-destroy missiles. The French lady would visit me and put a box of truffles and an “I’m Sorry My Terriers Ate Your Penis” Hallmark card on my bed stand.

“Iiiiiii cwannnnt eat solwid fwood yet,” I’d say, sipping my vanilla pudding through a straw. It was exhausting to speak. I was tired, so tired, but I had so much to ask her.

I took out my dry erase board and wrote in green marker: “Why earrings on the pig? And why the little fake diamond studs? Why not those Indian feather things that are in style?” And oh, there was one more small thing since we were having a nice pleasant conversation via dry erase board: “WHY THE FUCK DID YOU LET YOUR NINE TERRIERS MAUL ME ON THE BEACH? For the love of all that is holy...WHYYYYYYYYYY???!!!”

The machines that were hooked up to me would start beeping as my body went into convulsions. The nurses would run in. “We’re losing him. Plug in those round things that look like the Perfect Pushup and get ready to jumpstart his heart. And give me 5,000 cc’s of that fancy medical talk shit and prepare him for surgery.”

They’d turn to the French woman. “I’m sorry, but you’ll have to leave. Your husband needs emergency surgery for a penis transplant,” they’d tell her. “It’s risky, and there are numerous better options, but it’s up to you.”

“Oh mon dieu pas, this man no is me husband,” she’d say as she lit up a long-filtered cigarette with her white gloves, blowing smoke in the general direction of my breathing tube. “But I will sign zee form, oui oui?”

And she did.

“Mr. Scheeder, can you hear me?” the nurse would ask. “Shhhhweeber,” I’d say, trying to pronounce it right but the facial injuries and vanilla pudding getting in the way.

“What’s that, Shweeber? How’s that?”

“Sbweeber!” I’d moan.

“Fine then, Mr. Beaver, I have a very important medical question for you. The surgeon needs to know, how many times have you been sexually active—with your current penis—in the last six months?”

“With ah feemawle or my swell?”

“Yes, Mr. Beaver, with a female.”

“Inwooding dast weekwend?”

“Yes. Including last weekend.” She took out her chart and her pen and waited patiently. I tried counting on my fingers, but I only had one big nub of a cast, so I tallied the figures in my head, carrying the one, and came up with what I thought was a semi-accurate number.

“Theeeerooowwww.”

“Oh my, Mr. Beaver, did you just say ZERO?”

“Dwelllllll, gib oh thane?”

“Wow, never seen that before. Okay, zero it is,” she said and wrote it down on her chart with raised eyebrows.

“Ighh whas twaking a bwreak end thworking on mythelf!” I said.

“Uh huh, sure you were. Now just calm down.” She put the clipboard aside. “We’ve been trying to match you up with a suitable penis donor for the last two months but haven’t had any luck. We need to match up the size and shape of your member exactly if it has any chance of functioning again. It’s been a long, hard ...errr it’s been a difficult task.”

“Naht many pweople died?” I asked.

“Oh no, Mr. Beaver, we’ve had plenty of potential donors. Tons of them, actually. Just last week we had two Irishmen, a midget who died in a circus accident, and an adolescent Reggaton singer come through here, but they were all too large. But the good news is that we think we found a suitable donor for you!”

“An Iwishman was foo bwig?!! Are u shurre?”

“Yes, yes but we had a miracle last night. A ten-year-old Chinese boy died in a terrible scooter accident. Everything caught on fire. It was nasty business — his violin and his penis were the only things left intact. Congratulations, Mr. Beaver, you are going to have Wu Fat’s penis!”

She opened a cooler next to the bed and there it sat, on ice in the middle of a bunch of vanilla pudding snack packs.

“Ughhhhhhh, whad dud pbuck!” I’d say.

Then it got really weird. The nurse ripped off her blouse and jumped on top me.

“Ohhh, Mr. Beaver, I can’t control myself anymore.” She licked my face. What the hell was going on?

“Oh, mon petit amoureux.” The French lady started licking my face, too. “Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir?” They both were really going for it. Damn, they had some bad breath...

I came back to consciousness on the beach with a bunch of wagging terriers licking my face. The French lady stood above me, flicking her ashes.

“Monsieur, are you okay?’ she said.

“Phhht phhht!” I spit out the dog saliva and pushed them away. “Whad whappened? I mean, what happened?”

“My doggies wanted to play. You ran and fell down and hit your head,” she said. “Then you kept saying something about a Chinese boy’s penis.”

“Dammit, you horrible frog woman, keep those rotten beasts on a leash! They could really hurt someone!” I got up and brushed the sand off myself and stumbled up the beach. “And leave poor Wu Fat out of this!” I cried. “That poor little bastard has been through enough!”

“C’est la vie.” She shrugged and lit up another cigarette and kept on walking down the beach with her nine terriers and a pig with an earring. I went in the other direction.

-From the chapter "Poor Little Wu Fat" in South of Normal.Tamarindo, Costa Rica, surf, ski, snowboard, diving, pura vida, Central America, Nicaragua, San Juan del Sur, Amazon best seller, travel, adventure, backpack, hiking, sharks, Endless Summer, Robert August, memoir, fitness journey, globetrotting, perfect beach, paradise, spring break, expat, live abroad, work abroad, summer reading, around the world, great read, humor, laugh out loud