Have you ever seen an old war movie?  There's always a scene when a group of soldiers is pinned down by the enemy, surrounded by hostile gun fire and trying to escape against all odds.  There always comes a point when they make a break for it (and someone yells "Cover me!") and always one guy who leads the rally.  He charges the machine gun nest, throws himself on a grenade, or launches his body across the rolls of barbed wire so that his brothers in arms can make it through.

Writers - I want to be that guy for you, the one who throws himself onto the barbed wire so you may get on.

I hope this doesn't happen literally, of course, but I do want to help you go from Point A with your writing (wherever you are starting) to Point B (wherever you want to go with your writing, OTHER than having the sole goal of being on the Oprah Show.)  And no, I'm not selling you anything.  I swear, nothing at all, no hidden agenda - there's too much of that bullshit in the world already, I just honestly want to help you.

Why the hell do I want to do that?  Good question. 

When I was coming up as a writer and didn't know my ass from my elbow (and I'm not so far removed from that) it all seemed so overwhelming.  On a strict education budget (of 0$) I Googled every single article and blog I could find about writing.  There was some great info, but most of them were selling some form of book coaching or marketing plan.  I get it, we have to eat.  But when I tried to reach out to other authors, I was met with so much pretension and snobbery it sickened me.  

I mean, it's just ART, right?  Creation.  No matter how inexperienced or technically unaccomplished you are, or God forbid if you choose to self publish, if you have something to SAY, a human story to tell that SOMEONE will enjoy, then fuck all the ivory-tower attitude bullshit.  

Luckily, I had an amazing amount of help from the self-publishing firm I went through (I'm not even going to mention their name so you don't think I'm selling something, but hit me up if you want a recommendation.)  I won some and lost some, actually I lost a lot more than a won by about a 1,000 to 1 margin, but stumbled forward to a very humble modicum of acceptance for my work, and also a budding career as a pro blogger.

I now get emails and Facebook messages from people all the time saying they are considering writing a book, too.  Go for it, I say.  I support you 100%, and I'll even tell you everything I've learned (for free) so you may have a smoother learning curve than I did.  I will, essentially, throw myself onto the barbed wire for you, so that you may get on with it.

One caveat - if you want to be a writer or write a book, you have to write.  Not just talk about it, but do it.  Every day.  If you want to be a planner, not a writer, then I can't help you.  

So I've put together a small catalog of the blogs I've documented about writing.  Granted, I'm not the best writer you'll ever meet, and surely there are much smarter and more accomplished teachers out there, but you won't find someone who cares about OUR art form and encourages you to write your heart out more than me.  So dig in, and enjoy.

Norm  :-)

10 reasons why authors should love one-star reviews.

I'm more excited to write this morning than usual because I just received my first one-star review for South of Normal.  Yes, I do mean I'm excited in a good way, and no, "one-star," is not a typo.  Let me explain why, and offer how one-star reviews are actually nothing to stress about as an author.

I checked into my Amazon.com page this morning and saw a new review had been posted.  That’s usually a good thing, but this reader gave the book one star.    

The review was titled "horrible on EVERY level..."

10 TIPS TO WRITING BOLD, FUN, AND LOVABLE CHARACTERS...DOWN TO THEIR SHOELACES!

Of all the elements of a good story, none are as important as your characters. They are so essential to your story taking life that every single sentence in your story needs to do one of two things:

1) Advance the action, or

2) Develop the characters.

Confessions of a d-bag book marketer. (Best-seller lists explained.)

First off, let me correct that title.  It should read: Confessions of an Amazon.com Best-Selling d-bag book marketer.  That’s because, as of 8:14 am EST on April 26, 2013 AD, the year of our Lord, I joined the ranks of Amazon’s best selling authors.  

I know what you’re thinking: “Who gives a flying shiznitt?”  And I totally agree, but please grant me two seconds anyway, so I might be able to provide you insight into the highly suspect nature of best seller lists.

Ethical Considerations When Writing Memoir.

Writing a memoir can be a fun, exciting endeavor, and cathartic for the author to get their version of real life onto the page.  It also has the capacity to piss off a lot of people.  

I ran into a few complex ethical questions while writing my second book, South of Normal…

15 Tips to Rewrite Your Work to Greatness (part 1)

I am a firm believer that you write a book, but you rewrite your way to a good book.  Ernest Hemingway rewrote the last page ofFarewell to Arms 39 times.  When asked by a reporter what technical issue he was struggling with, he replied “Getting the words right.”  Well said, Big Papa.  

Personally, filling up the pages is not a problem - I can bang out about 5,000 words a day…but the problem is that only a few of those lines are actually readable!  So to craft my writing into clear, effective communication geared toward other human beings it takes me a tremendous amount of proofreading and editing. 

15 Tips to Rewrite Your Work to Greatness (part 2)

As a writer, it’s healthy to lose that image of yourself as a special prodigy who can summon other-worldly prose from the ether.  Instead, think of yourself a blacksmith.  You grab those words hot out of the fire and pin them to your work station, hammering mercilessly with all of the sweat and muscle you can muster, so you might just forge them into something useful.

Writing Your First Book?  3 Questions to Ask Before Your Get Started.

One of my biggest thrills is getting an email from an aspiring writer, who asks for advice on how to start their first book. Some of them are bright eyed and optimistic, some seasoned and cautious, but whether they’re penning a business book or the next great teen-zombie-thriller, there’s one question they all have in common:  

Where the hell do I begin?  Great question! 

The Basics of Story Structure.

All stories follow a three-part structure: the beginning, middle, and the end.  That may seem simple, but they each part requires different elements of the story at different times in order for it to work right.  When this is done well in a book or a movie you, the audience, don’t even notice.  But when something is out of place, it just feels wrong, and the whole story is uncomfortable or even objectionable.

11 Tips to Adapt Your Book Into a Blockbuster Screenplay.

Have you written a book and you want to adapt it to a screenplay?  There are a lot of commonalities to telling a good story, but other than that it's a completely different animal.  Let me walk you through some movie-making basics that aren't too technical.  

Hate Mail Can Be Fun!!!

Yesterday I was the lucky recipient of a comment on one of my blog posts, expressing mild displeasure with my new book, South of Normal.  And displeasure with my existence here on earth.  And any chance I might have of chillaxing in heaven one day.  

Granted, the comment was eloquent, passionate, and succinct, a good piece of writing in its own right.  It said:

"FUCK YOU AND YOUR FUCKING BOOK.  BURN IN HELL YOU SONOFABITCH"

10,000 Hours.

Talent is a myth. I know, we all lionize the story of someone who comes out of nowhere and is “discovered” on natural ability alone.  That’s the plotline our media keeps feeding us, whether its on shows like American Idol, our cesspool of unreal reality shows, and even in old movies like the Natural.  But, more often than not, those overnight successes were years in the making.  So if it’s not God-given talent, what is the secret to success?  Hard work.

On Writing, My Beautiful Failure.

A few years ago, when I started down this path, I wanted to be a WRITER. It all seemed glamorous – living in the tropics and banging out a best selling novel in between rum drinking contests, bull fights, and answering fan mail from exotic female admirers.  

Unfortunately, that’s not how it works. Not even a little bit.  

Writing and publishing a book can be overwhelming enough, but when you're done and feel like sitting back and relaxing, it dawns on you that someone has to market the damn thing - and that unlucky someone is you!  

But with the proper know-how, some focused time, and a lot of hard work you can set up a solid marketing campaign and sell a bazillion copies. The good news is that it doesn't have to cost you much, or anything at all.

When I wrote my first two books I was broke even by starving artist standards, living with the locals in the Third World countries of Costa Rica and Nicaragua with no possessions. But I had time, and a lot of hustle, so I compiled this list of free marketing tools:  

1. Build a website – I prefer one with an integrated blog, analytics, etc. like Weebly.  They have a free membership, or an inexpensive upgrade to a pro account.  To see an example, click here.  Cost: $0

2. Set up a PayPal account – Set up an account so you’ll be able to sell books right off of your website, from your blog, or even by sending an email link.  Cost: $0

3. Mailing labels – These will come in handy if you are sending out books yourself.  There are organizations who will do a sample roll, as will Vista Print.  Cost: $0

4. Order business cards – Vista Print will give you 250 one-sided, full color cards for free if you don’t mind their logo on the back.  Cost: $0

5. Offer to speak – Organizations like your local Rotary, Kiwanis Club, and Chamber of Commerce are always looking for speakers.  Talk about the topic of your book, without blatantly trying to sell books.  Cost: $0 (and you might even get a free lunch out of it!)

6. Contact your public library – Most libraries will provide a forum for authors to do readings and book events for free, and often do a good job of promoting it.  They may even highlight your book if you are a local author.  Cost: $0

7. Make a video trailer – A fast paced, fun video with great music will engage people and promote your book 100x better than simple text.  I use iMovie, and my existing songs from iTunes, my photos, and voiceovers.  There are even ways to download existing videos from YouTube and edit out parts and use them in your video (with permission, of course).  Cost: $0  (Check out the videos for my first book, and the second)

8. Shoot author videos – I love shooting short videos talking about my book, the topic, or even reading.  A cool technique is to shoot a video of you (the author) saying thank you for buying the book, which you can host on YouTube, and then every time someone buys one you can post it on their Facebook or email them the link.  Cost:  $0  You can see my thank you video here.

9. Sign up for Pinterest – If you are looking for a demographic of 80% women who are educated people and make over $100,000 in the household, Pinterest is for you!  You’ll need some really clever images or infographics to use, but we’ll talk about those later.  Cost:  $0

10. Sign up for Instagram – This is another great photo site to spread awareness and create interest for your book.  Cost:  $0

11. Get a Twitter account – Twitter is the number one way to expand your reach much further than your local community and friends, and if you have some good information and value to offer, not just try to sell, the results can be explosive!  (read a fun case study of a blog I wrote that went viral on Twitter and got me 13,000 website hits within 48 hours)  Cost:  $0

12. Sign up for a Facebook Page – You’ll want a fan page for you as an author, and also one for the book.  Cost:  $0

13. Write a bio for the book – This will be used for the back of the book (usually 300-400 words), but also to post on all of these sites.  Also write a much shorter bio for introductions by media or on places like Twitter that only allow 140 words.  Mine is: South of Normal is a gonzo blast of laughter and adventure about a year living in the tropical paradise of Tamarindo, Costa Rica.  Cost: $0

14. Write an author bio – Same thing as the book, you’ll want to write a longer, and then short bio of you as a writer.  Make it fun, fresh, energetic, and use the active, third-person voice.  Cost:  $0

15. Set up your Amazon page, Goodreads page, and Barnes & Noble page – Now that you have a description of the book, a bio about the you, videos, and pictures, you can build author and book pages on these book distribution sites.  Cost:  $0 

16. Get a Wikipedia page – One of the coolest things is to have your own Wikipedia page!  You can’t write one for yourself, and there are specific rules for how to submit information, but it makes you feel like you’ve official arrived!  (for that reason I’ve yet to set mine up!)  Cost: $0

17. Write a press release – You’ll want a clean, tight, professional press release to send out to media.  I recommend drafting one that highlights the local angle for your hometown and home state, and a national release that is more topic-driven.  You’ll want to get this right, so do some research.  Cost:  $0

18. Cover image – You can take an amazing photo yourself and use it as your cover image (as long as it’s high enough resolution) or go to the stock image sites and buy one for cheap.  There are plenty of programs that will add your title and text in a variety of fonts, or you can post this job for a low cost on eLance.  Cost: $0 (though this is one I spend money to have professionally created)

19. Infographics – Social media sites are flooded with fun infographics, which have both an image and are stamped with your book title and website.  You can build these yourself with your images or graphics and then adding text.  I set mine up in PowerPoint and then save them as Jpegs.  Cost:  $0

20. Reader photos – Here’s nothing more fun than seeing a cool photo of a reader holding your book!  It’s a great marketing tool, too, because you can share it on every social media site, and other people will wonder what it’s about (and what they are missing).  I started a tradition with readers taking wild, creative, and fun photos of them holding the book.  It was a blast!  You can check out a small number of them on the slideshow here.  Cost: $0

21. Banners for Twitter, Facebook, etc. – Several sites have cover images that lay out horizontal, so it’s worth having an image of the book cover set up like a banner.  The individual sites will tell you the perfect size, and then you can manipulate to those specifications in your photo program.  Cost: $0

22. Email signature – Build an email signature with a signature, your contact info, a clickable link to your website, and a cool photo of you or the book cover.  Cost:  $0

23. Custom email – Set up a custom email address for you as an author or the book, so you won’t have to use a .hotmail or .yahoo or .gmail address (nothing looks less professional).  When you register your domain or sign up for hosting they offer a few email accounts for free. (For instance, mine is NormSchriever@gmail.com but I also use a hi@NormSchriever.com for professional interaction)  Cost: $0

24. Blog through your website – You’ll want to write a blog often (though it doesn’t have to be daily) to fill the search engines with valuable information about the topic of your book, tips and guides, and content from the book. This will get your name higher in the search engines and establish yourself as an expert, drive people to your site, and ultimately allow you to collecting email addresses of people who want to read your book.  Note – always allow for comments on your book and end with a question, welcoming feedback to engage your readers.  Cost:  $0

25. Send a weekly email letter – Once you have an email list of loyal followers, reach out to them via email with announcements, cool blog posts, giveaways, samples of the book, etc. to reward them.  I use MailChimp, which is free if your list is under 2,000 people.  Cost:  $0   

26. Free book giveaways and raffles – Host free giveaways and raffles for copies of your eBook or a coupon to a local business (and team up with the business so it doesn’t cost you anything).  Set them up on your blog and share them on Twitter and Facebook, which will help you capture more emails and build excitement.  Also I like offering a free download (like of the first three chapters) on your site.  Don’t require an email address for that – it’s like a free advertisement, and if people like it they will email you and want to buy the rest of the book.  Cost:  $0 

27. Join discussion groups and comment on other blogs– Instead of always focusing on bringing your target market to YOU, go to where THEY hang out – blogs, forums, and chatrooms about the topics.  Engage them on “neutral turf” with genuine discussion and value, building relationships, without overtly selling your book.  It will pay off in the long run once you earn their trust.  Cost:  $0

28. Ask people to test-read – There’s no better way to get people involved and interested in your project than to ask them to test read it ahead of time and offer their feedback.  I would recommend only giving 2-3 chapters to each person.  They’ll be allies in the project and help you market.  Cost: $0

29. Collect all feedback – Whenever someone says something good about your book, or about you as a writer, save it.  I like to take a screenshot and highlight and save their comments.  Save them all and you’ll be surprised how quickly they’ll add up to dozens of testimonials, encouragement, and a fun marketing tool.  Cost:  $0  

30. Reach out to your schools – Call or email every single school you’ve ever attended, from pre K all the way through college.  Share with them that you’ve written a book and offer to send them a free advanced copy for review, (but that you only have a PDF or eBook).  They may write you up in the school newsletter, involve you in alumni events, or even have you in to speak!  Cost:  $0

31. Mobile payment processor – You’ll want a way to take payments other than cash in person, so a processor like Square can be plugged into your iPhone.  It costs $10 BUT they will credit you back $10 once you sign up with their service because they charge a small fee on each transaction.  Cost:  $0

32. Presell your books – there’s nothing wrong with offering your book for sale a couple of months ahead of time on your website.  You can offer them something of value if they order pre-sale, like signing their book, include a free ebook, emailing them a bonus chapter, etc. This will help pay off some of the publishing or marketing costs.  Cost: $0

33. Book release party – This is the fun part!  Contact a local bar or restaurant and ask if it would be okay if you brought in 50 or 100 new clients on some night.  Ask for drink specials and even free appetizers for your party guests.  Set up a Facebook event page and invite everyone and spread the word.  Contact the local media to cover it, and post the link to the event on all of those blogs and groups you’ve been chatting in.  Have a sign-in book to collect emails and sell books right on the spot.  This is your time to shine!  (And once it's done shoot a little video thanking everyone, mixing in music and photos of them at the event, and email it to them and post it on their walls)  Cost:  $0  

To see the video of the book release party for my first book, click here.
DOES THAT HELP? EMAIL ME TO RECEIVE MY FIVE TOP TIPS FOR BLOGGING TO SELL MORE BOOKS:  HI@NORMSCHRIEVER.COM

First off, let me correct that title.  It should read: Confessions of an Amazon.com Best-Selling d-bag book marketer.  That’s because, as of 8:14 am EST on April 26, 2013 AD, the year of our Lord, I joined the ranks of Amazon’s best selling authors.  

I know what you’re thinking: “Who gives a flying shiznitt?”  And I totally agree, but please grant me two seconds anyway, so I might be able to provide you insight into the highly suspect nature of best seller lists.

You see, I love writing, and I love sharing that writing with you.  And on the rare occasion that you, the reader, remark that you actually enjoyed my words (whether out of generosity or intoxication, I couldn’t care less) it just sends me to the moon.  But I hate trying to sell books.  In a perfect world I could just live in a hut on a tropical beach halfway across the world and write my heart out and the books would sell themselves.  But, alas, I find myself required to participate in polite society from time to time, like everyone else.  Sighhhhh. 

Certainly, I’m not alone: there are over 300,00 books published every year, all clamoring to be sold!  That’s a lot of hungry authors yelling at the top of their lungs (on the internet) for you to buy their book.  Me, me me!  After a while it gets so loud and cluttered that it sort of cancels itself out, giving the general public a big, dull headache. 

Don’t get me wrong, I believe my book is damn entertaining and worth a read, but I resist becoming a part of that club.  At least once a week I vow never ever ever to become yet another d-bag book marketer…but that lasts about thirteen minutes and then do it anyway, subjecting myself to the industry’s recommended solicitations: wasting time on Facebook and calling it a social media campaign, begging semi-famous people for a shout-out, pandering to appear on B-List radio shows with plastic plants in their studios, and kissing the ass of some social misfit just because they have a magical thing called a “blog.”  

As an Indie author (which really means ‘self-published’ but we say ‘Indie’ because it sounds WAY cooler, like we’re SO artsy we have no use for abstracts like success and money,) I’m required to work the big room, über-conscious of marketing, promoting, publicizing, advertising, and, ultimately, selling my humble work.  It’s not out of greed – in fact it takes a LOT of book sales just to break even on my costs or to make a little money.  Most authors make more money off of speaking engagements, coaching, ghost writing, or selling you their marketing program than they do off of book sales, and unless you’re one of the iconic few in the ivory tower of publishing (James Patterson, Stephen King, etc.) you probably haven’t quit your day job.

Now, I didn’t say I’m bad at it – I do okay, considering my marketing budget closely resembles a round, bread-like toasted breakfast item that’s covered in crème cheese.  But I truly despise it.  

Yet somehow, inexplicably, lightning struck a month after I released South of Normal (shameless plug) and it achieved Amazon.com’s best seller status.  But before you take out the pom poms and get all excited, (or call “bullshit,” as I probably would), let me explain how the whole thing works, and then maybe you’ll agree that best seller lists, super novas in the book marketing universe, are sort of…d-baggish.  

What is a best seller?

When people hear “best-seller” they assume we’re talking about the New York Time’s Best Sellers List, (NYT is officially the “best sellerS” list, while some spell it ‘best seller’) which is like making the Hall of Fame of writing.  But the New York Time’s list isn’t the only game in town – there are also best selling lists published by the American Booksellers Association, IndieBound, Barnes & Noble, Publishers Weekly, the Boston Globe, USA Today, Denver Post, Wall Street Journal, Los Angeles Times, and Walmart.  

Yes, I’m serious, Walmart.  Imagine someone bragging: “I’m a Walmart best-selling author!”  That’s like saying you have the best teeth in West Virginia.  

No matter which list we’re talking, there are warts to this honor.  No one knows the exact algorithm they use to rank books but industry insiders understand which marketing activities are most beneficial to land their clients on the list.  For instance, the NYT list traditionally didn’t tally book sales but book orders, and to only a handful of brick-and-mortar bookstores.  So smart publicists focused their dollars on ensuring advanced orders to those specific stores, and voilà – their client was on the list.

Hell, it wasn’t even until last year that they started ranking eBooks.  Amanda Hocking sold over a million books but her book NEVER appeared on the NYT list!  However, Snooki’s fiction book, A Shore Thing, hit the list at #24 and, if you’re like me, you’d pay $14.95 NOT to hear what Snooki has to say.  Certainly we can agree that being list-worthy is no glaring indication of quality. 

Buying your way onto a list.

If that’s not watered-down enough, there are even ways to buy your way onto best selling lists.  Legitimate publicity firms will ensure your placement based on what you pay.  The formula is simple – pre-order enough of your own books from the right book stores (albeit at a discount) and you will rank high enough to show up on the list.  Then you can re-sell the books to recoup some of your costs.  To avoid transparency, the firms break up the orders into purchases from smaller corporate entities with different names.  It might cost you $50,000-$80,000 to get on the Wall Street Journal’s list, and triple that to be in the big-daddy NYT list. 

What about eBooks?

And then there are online eBook sales, through Amazon.com, Barnes & Noble.com, and Smashwords.com, etc.  Both eBooks and Indie publishing have completely changed the landscape of publishing over the last five years, ensuring the democratization of literature like nothing since the Gutenberg press.  23% of all book sales in 2012 were eBooks, so Amazon and Kindle, who are tag-teaming a takeover of the whole English-speaking world (and doing a bloody fine job of it,) have their own best-seller lists. 

How do you become an Amazon best seller?

What does it take for an author to become an Amazon.com best seller?  There is no hard and fast rule, but I’ve heard authors generally call themselves a best seller if their book hits top ten in any category.  That was confirmed when I Googled “How many book sales do you need to call yourself a bestselling author at parties to get free drinks from rich people and attract attention from women who otherwise are way out of your league?”  Top ten, it is.  

Can you beat the system?

Does everyone play nice on Amazon?  Of course not.  A concentrated burst of sales and reviews is the fastest way to move up Amazon’s list, at which point they promote you themselves, so some authors pay for reviews.  John Locke, who set the record for the most eBook sales with Donovan’s Creed, admitted to paying for reviews!  He hired a firm to buy 15,000 of his own eBooks to “juice” sales and write favorable reviews, sky rocketing his exposure.  A lot of people in the industry aren’t too happy with that, but I give him credit for outplaying publishing’s innately crooked game.  Screw ‘em. 

Some authors price their eBooks at rock bottom, 99 cents, to promote volume, or even give away masses of books for free because, ultimately, a review is worth more to your exposure and future profit than the .35 cents you might pocket today.  Kindle is accommodating enough to set up your free giveaway and then independent internet sites will help you promote it on the web, charging you for the privilege.  So you end up paying to give your book away for free!  If that’s not counterintuitive to the spirit of commerce then I don’t know what is.  

The trick to ranking high on Amazon.com.

Amazon places books in general categories, like Romance, Biography, Science Fiction, etc., but with 7 million books in print they need distinctive subcategories, like “Civil War memoir,” and “Anything that has to do with zombies.”  They even have sub-sub categories, and it goes on and on.  When an author registers their book it behooves them to place it in the most specific category possible so they’ll face the least competition, and therefore have the best chance of rising in the ranks.  Make sense?  

When registering South of Normal on Amazon (alright, Norm, stop with the name dropping - we get it already) I first tried placing it in a sub-category where only nine books existed, so I’d automatically rank in the top ten.  But changed my mind because I don’t think a book about living in Costa Rica would do well in the only nine-book category I could find: 

Fantasy> Fables and Myths> Biography> Politics> Honest Republicans.  

Instead, I landed in:

Kindle Store> Kindle eBooks> Nonfiction> Travel> Specialty Travel> Adventure.  

Really?  Specialty travel?  What does that even mean, I’m “special” and I happened to travel, so I get my own category?  Books register in a few categories, so I also was a big hitter in:

Books> Humor & Entertainment> Love, Sex, & Marriage.

Wait, so you’re telling me that my book is considered a literary marital aid?  A discourse on intercourse?  Actually, that makes perfect sense, since I wrote about important topics like "Jungle Bush," tourists surprised by transvestite prostitutes, and how sand is definitely not a lubricant.  But we can all agree that I’ve never been accused of being humorous.      

Anyway, the book was released and I begged everyone I’ve known since 2nd grade to buy it and write a review on Amazon, including talking my own mother into writing one under a pseudonym (Pia.)  But I vowed not to get caught up in the whole ranking thing because I’m better than that…so I only checked the rankings first thing in the morning…and after meals…and every time I saw an article on Kim and Kanye, but I swear, that’s it.  

Remarkably, with a modest burst of Kindle sales and a few great reviews (some of them from REAL people other than my family members) South of Normal showed up on the Amazon rankings at #20 in its category, and then #17, and then, the next day, #13.  

I was moving up!  God bless America!  The system is obviously working if it rewards pen-wielding prodigies like yours truly!    

But then something horrible happened – I dropped back down to #15.  F ‘em!  Sons of beaches!  I won’t lower myself to this kind of degradation!  

You see folks, I’m not into superficial self promotion like best seller lists, and…wait, hold on…what’s that?  Holy duck dicks!  I checked again and it said my book was #5!  Five!  (That’s Roman Numeral V, for you keeping score at home.)  What does that mean?!  Something?  Nothing?  Probably something!  

The Tribe had spoken - I was an Amazon best-selling author.  Who the hell was I to question it?  I took a quick screenshot to record the milestone for posterity (and for those who called “bullshit”,) then took it from a better angle, then squeezed my head next to the screen to take a selfie.  I immediately updated Facebook and added the Amazon best seller graphic to my email signature, taking up roughly ¾ of the computer screen so it would be physiologically impossible for anyone but Stevie Wonder to miss it.

I kept checking the rankings to calculate when I’d overtake John Krakauer’s Into Thin Air, the legendary Everest tale that sat atop my category on Amazon, but I still lagged slightly - I only needed about 947,962 more sales to knock off Big John.  Instead, my book lingered in the top twenty for a few weeks, then eventually sunk into ranking obscurity.  But it was too late to take it back; I was officially a best seller, a brand I could narcissistically use for all time (and especially at parties.)  

But don’t worry…this super-duper impressive designation won’t go to my head one iota.  I’m not going to turn into yet another d-bag book marketer, wearing sunglasses indoors and saying “Let’s do lunch, babe.”  I’m still the same good ‘ol broke schlub you know and don't love, a humble blue collar man of the people.  So don’t feel like you need to refer to me as an Amazon best-selling author or anything…MISTER Amazon best selling author will do just fine!  Ha!  (Insert evil laugh here.)  

Now, if you’ll please excuse me, I’m headed to Walmart to sneak some more of my books onto the shelves.  Number one with a bullet, baby!

-Norm :-)